Grey Area
by Once.Evil.Regal
Summary: A part of Olivia's past that she buried long ago suddenly resurfaces, putting her in danger and changing her life forever; for better and for worse. Rating changed for some gory scene later on.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Elliot looked up at the young woman who had just entered the squadroom. She had shoulder length, almost black hair that suited her perfectly. She had dark glasses framing her soft chocolate eyes, and full red lips, all of which stood out startling on her ivory skin. She was wearing torn jeans and a baggy grey sweater with a stretched neck that had been pulled up on her right side so her left shoulder was visible. She was picking nervously at the frayed wrists of the sweater.

"Can I help you?" Elliot asked, walking slowly towards the woman. If she was here for the reason he suspected, she probably didn't want to talk to him.

"I'm looking for Detective Benson. Is he here?" Her voice was quiet and she had a soft English accent.

"_She's_ not here yet, but she won't be long," he said, softly emphasizing the 'she'.

"Oh…sorry, I only knew her last name. Could I wait here for her?" Elliot nodded and lead her to Olivia's desk, where she sat down to wait.

Olivia arrived at work 20 minutes later, carrying a half empty coffee. Elliot lead her upstairs so they could talk in private. "Girl down there came in here looking for you."

"Who is she?" Olivia asked, taking a sip of coffee.

Elliot shrugged. "Dunno, she didn't say."

"I don't think I know her," Olivia said, glancing down at the girl. "Maybe I worked with her before?"

"I doubt it. She only knew your name; thought you were a man."

"Ouch," she said, finishing her coffee and tossing it in the garbage.

"She's pretty nervous about something," Elliot said.

Olivia just nodded and headed down the stairs. She walked over to the girl, who stood up quickly when she saw Olivia coming towards her. "Are you Detective Benson?"

"Yes. Let's go somewhere more private so we can talk." She led the girl into an empty room that they often used to talk to victims. They both sat down at the table. "My name's Olivia. What's yours?"

"Sheila," she said quietly.

"Why did you come here today?"

"My dad is missing and I'm really worried about him."

Olivia froze. This wasn't an SVU case. "Sheila…This is the Special Victims Unit, it's not our job to investigate missing person cases."

"I know, but my dad told me if I was ever in real danger here I should find you. He made me promise not to find you unless I really needed to, and I kept my promise, but now he's gone and I don't know where else to go."

"He told you to find me? Why?"

Sheila shrugged. "He said you were an old friend. Other than that he wouldn't say anything."

"What's your dad's name?"

"Uh…which one?"

"The one who told you all this."

"Well, they both told me. But Kyle is the one who's missing. My other dad, James, died years ago. That's why we came here when I was 16; Kyle wanted to start fresh."

Olivia was silent for a minute, staring out the window. Then she sighed and nodded. "When did you first realize he was missing?"

"I went to my dad's apartment and when I got inside…" Her eyes shone with tears. "My dog was killed with one of our kitchen knives. I tried to call my dad but I can't get hold of him. I left him a note saying I was spending the night at a friend's and that I had my cell, but he never called. I haven't heard from him for two days now. I went to my apartment to check my messages, but he hasn't called there, either."

"Did you touch anything in the apartment?" Olivia asked, quickly scribbling down brief notes.

"No," Sheila replied, wiping away her tears.

"Alright. I have to talk to my captain before I can do anything, you can wait in here if you'd like." Sheila nodded and Olivia left the room.

"We don't handle missing persons, Olivia, you know that," Cragen said.

"Captain, he's an old friend, a mentor. We've taken on missing person cases before, we can handle it."

"Missing children, kidnapping, _SVU cases._ This isn't our case."

"Captain, please, I need this case."

Cragen stared intently at Olivia for several minutes; she could almost see the wheels turning in his head. Finally he sighed. "I'll take care of it. Work with Elliot, I don't want all of my detectives tied up in this. Keep me updated on everything."

"Thank you," Olivia said, smiling. She walked over to Elliot's desk and explained the case to him.

"Why are we taking this? It's not an SVU case."

"Kyle's…an old friend," Olivia said.

"Just a friend?" Elliot asked, catching the slight pause.

"Yeah." It sounded more like a sharp exhale than an actual word and Elliot, having know Olivia so well for so long, knew she had no intention of telling him whatever it was she was hiding. He decided not to press the issue; at least, not yet.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Sheila lead the detectives to her father's apartment. She gave them the key and stepped back, not wanting to go inside. Elliot opened the door and the two detectives walked into the apartment, guns held firmly in their hands just in case. They quickly found the dog and the kitchen knife that had killed it and Olivia felt her stomach churn at the sight. "Why kill the dog and leave the apartment in perfect condition?"

Olivia looked around. Everything seemed to be in its proper place. Nothing was messy, broken or disturbed in any way. "If it was a kidnapper he wouldn't just go without a fight. And that dog wasn't just stabbed, it's been carved; if the point was to intimidate Kyle, the kidnapper would have just stabbed it."

"There could have been more than one," Elliot suggested.

Olivia thought about it for a minute, looking around. She shook her head slowly as she continued to scan the apartment. "It's too clean, too calm. Even if they drugged him he would have managed to disturb _something_." She sighed.

"You know, you can still be involved in the case if you turn it over. Missing persons has a lot more experience and if Cragen could get us this case he can keep you involved in it."

"I'm not handing this over, Elliot. Just because he's not a kid doesn't mean we can't find him." Olivia was annoyed that Elliot would even suggest giving up the case.

"You know, you need to be careful on this case. Obviously you have some kinda history with this guy, and you know how dangerous it can be to get too close to the vics."

Olivia didn't respond. She called CSU to check out the apartment. It would take them a while to go over the whole thing, so they questioned Sheila a little more while they waited.

"Is there anybody you know of that might want to hurt your dad?"

Sheila shrugged. "Nobody I can think of. Dad pretty much keeps to himself now."

"Why?" Normally Olivia wouldn't ask such a thing, but the Kyle she had known was always very social and outgoing.

"I dunno. After James died he got really depressed. One day I came home to find boxes everywhere and he told me we were moving to New York, which seemed really strange."

"What was so strange about it?" Elliot asked, he and Olivia both taking quick notes.

"Well, when I was 14 James said we were going on a big summer vacation, and that I could choose anywhere in the world I wanted to go. I asked if we could come here, to New York, and maybe travel to some other major American cities, and James said that was a great idea. But later I heard him arguing with Kyle, who said it was a bad idea. In the end I changed my mind so they'd stop arguing and we went to New Zealand. So when Kyle said we were moving to New York, I remembered that fight and I started wondering what had been wrong before and why he suddenly changed his mind."

"When did he tell you about me?" Olivia asked. Elliot couldn't help wondering if the question had any real relevance to the case, but he didn't say anything.

"As soon as we got here. But he was really serious about it, he made me promise about fifty times that I wouldn't go looking for you unless I desperately needed help. I'd heard James talk about you before, but Kyle always got really angry when he brought your name up around me. He was always smiling when he talked about you and Kyle was always so angry, I didn't know what to think. James was always joking about really serious things, though, so I got the impression that Kyle was scared of you or something; that's why I never tried to find you until now."

"Did he mention me at all recently? Like maybe he wanted to make sure you remembered my name because he knew something bad might happen?"

An expression of realization suddenly crossed Sheila's face. "Yeah…I hadn't heard him mention you in years, maybe even since the day we got here. And then all of a sudden he brought it up the other day. He wanted to know if I'd kept my promise, and I said I had, and then he said he just wanted to remind me that only if something really serious happened I should look you up. He told me you were a cop; that's the first time he ever told me anything other than your last name. Do you he think he knew something was going to happen?" Her eyes were shining with tears again.

"It's too soon to say; it could just be a coincidence. We're gonna do everything we can to find him. In the meantime do you have anyone you could stay with? I'd feel better knowing you aren't alone," Olivia said.

Sheila nodded and wiped her tears on the sleeve of her sweater. "Yeah, I have some friends I can stay with. Will you keep me updated on the case?"

"We'll let you know as soon as we find anything," Olivia assured her, standing up.

"Could I…ask you something?" Sheila said nervously, glancing at Elliot.

"I'll go see if they found anything," Elliot said, heading back into the apartment.

"Why didn't my dad want me to find you?"

"We had a pretty bad falling out. James and I never had any issues, but we didn't know each other that well, so that's probably why he didn't argue with Kyle, and probably why he uses me to tease Kyle."

"If this falling out was so bad, why would he trust you to help me?"

"I guess he thought he could trust me. It probably helped that I was a cop. Kyle's the kind of guy who has to know there's a backup, he has to know his loved ones are safe."

"So he didn't want me to find you because he didn't want you in his life?"

Olivia shrugged. "That's my guess, but I really can't say for sure what his opinions of me are. He's been out of my life for so long, it was a pretty big shock to see you."

"What caused the falling out?"

Olivia sighed. "It's a long story and it's ancient history now."

"In other words, it's none of my business." Olivia just smiled faintly. "I have one more question."

"Ask away."

"Did you know my mom?"

Olivia nodded. "Yeah, I knew her. Let's just say your dads had good reason for not telling you about her."

Sheila nodded, accepting Olivia's dismissal, and left the apartment building.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"We lifted prints off the knife handle," O'Halloran told the detectives.

"You get a hit?" Elliot asked.

O'Halloran nodded, handing them the computer printout. Olivia sighed when she saw the name, and again felt sick to her stomach. "Kyle Conley," she said sadly.

"He killed his own dog? That's sick," Elliot said.

"Maybe the perp was wearing gloves. Obviously Kyle's prints are all over the knife, it's from his kitchen," Olivia said.

"The knife's not from his kitchen," O'Halloran said.

"Sheila said it was from their kitchen set."

"It matches the knives in the kitchen, but all of those knives are accounted for. I dusted all of the kitchen knives and there are two sets of prints on all of them, Kyle and Sheila Conley. The knife used on the dog only had Kyle's prints on it."

"It's still possible it was used by someone else. Maybe the knife is new."

"Liv, you're just fishing for excuses now. Just because this guy used to be a close friend doesn't mean he hasn't changed in the last however long it's been."

Olivia sighed. "Thanks," she said to O'Halloran, then left the lab.

"I can do this case, Elliot," Olivia said, getting into the passenger seat of the car.

"I didn't say anything."

"You don't think I can do it."

Elliot sighed. "I think you're too involved. There's obviously history between you two that's clouding your judgement of him. The evidence is pretty clear; he killed that dog. I'm starting to doubt he was really kidnapped and you should, too. He's obviously not in his right mind. Either that or he's a sick man who really pissed someone off and now he's paying the price. Neither scenario fits what you want to believe about him, but you have to accept it if you're gonna work this case."

"I just wish I knew what happened to make him change so much."

"Maybe he hasn't changed. Maybe he just used to be better at hiding it," Elliot said, pulling out of the driveway and into the light traffic outside the apartment.

"I need to talk to Sheila again."

"Did you know Kyle adopted her?"

"Well I knew they didn't conceive her naturally," she said.

Elliot glanced at her. "Very funny. I mean it, Liv."

"Yeah, I knew they adopted a kid, but I've only ever seen her a couple times when she was a baby. Kyle and James moved to England about a month after she was born. That's where James was originally from."

"Did you know Kyle was in New York?"

"No. I didn't even know James was dead."

"Obviously you haven't been close to Kyle for a long time."

Olivia shook her head. "I still can't believe it."

"Well, believe it."

"I still want to talk to Sheila again. Maybe between the two of us we can figure out what changed him."

"Liv, you can't go into this assuming that he changed. Like I said, maybe whatever made him kill that dog has always been there. We'll talk to Sheila again if that's why you want, but she's not going to give you the explanation you want."

"I want to talk to her alone."

"Yeah, _that's _a good idea," Elliot said sarcastically.

"Elliot, please. We both need information from each other and I'd rather talk to her alone."

"Fine. But if you screw this case up I'm not covering for you this time."

"I'm not gonna screw up this case!"

"Good."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Olivia looked up Sheila's address and buzzed her apartment, hoping she hadn't left for her friend's house yet. "Who is it?" Sheila's accented voice came through the speaker.

"Olivia Benson." Olivia waited and then heard the buzzer that signified the door was open. She walked upstairs and knocked on Sheila's door.

"I didn't expect to see you again so soon. Did you find something?" She asked, letting Olivia in and locking the door again.

"Not really, I just wanted to talk to you again," Olivia said, sitting down on the small couch, looking around at the artfully decorated apartment. Everything was very colourful and unique, but it all worked perfectly together.

"I don't really know what else I can tell you," Sheila said, sitting down on a chair across from Olivia.

"You said after James died Kyle got really depressed. Was it clinical depression?"

"He had just lost his lover, that tends to be a rather depressing event."

"How long did his depression last?"

"I don't think he ever really got over James's death. He's never really returned to his old self, per se, but a tragedy like that has a tendency to change people."

"Did you notice any other change in him, besides being sad?"

"Like what?"

"Maybe changes in his personality, paranoia, anything like that?"

"His whole personality changed, Olivia, he was depressed. He was quicker to anger and he wasn't interested in anything. As far as paranoia, no, I didn't see anything like that. What exactly are you looking to hear?"

Olivia leaned back on the couch. "I'm just trying to get a better understanding of him."

"You want to know how much he's changed since he left," Sheila said, smiling.

"That wouldn't be professional."

"My point exactly. You know nothing I say is going to help you find him, you just want to know more about him. So let's trade; your info for mine."

"What do you want to know?"

"What's my mother's name?"

"There's a reason your dads didn't tell you and I respect their decision. It's not my place to tell you."

Sheila crossed her arms. "Fine. Tell me about her, then."

"Tell you what: you ask, I'll answer."

"Do I look like her?"

"Not really. You look more like your dad."

"Wait, you knew my dad, too?"

Olivia closed her eyes, wishing she hadn't let that slip. "Yeah, I knew him."

"Who is he?" Olivia just raised an eyebrow and Sheila let out a frustrated sigh. "Alright, then. Why did my dad leave?"

"Your mom told him to. When she found out she was pregnant she never bothered to tell him, at least that's what I was told. It's my turn: Did James ever tell you anything about me?"

"Nothing specific, obviously, but he always used to joke that you could kick Kyle's ass. And he always called you Ben, I assume that's because of your last name?"

"Sort of. Kyle and I used to be really close, everyone thought we were a couple for a while." She laughed at the memory. "Boy, did their jaws hit the floor when James came along. Anyway, James decided I needed a more masculine name if I was going to date Kyle, so he started calling me Ben. There was a whole big event behind it, but that's the short version."

"He used to say you were Kyle's first love."

Olivia laughed. "I bet that got Kyle pissed."

"Yeah, it did. Anything James said about you got him angry, actually. What happened between you two?"

"I'd rather not talk about it."

"What happened to our exchange of information?"

"It's none of your business."

"Okay…what features do I get from my parents?"

"Your eyes are the only feature you really share with your mom. I guess your hair is similar, but yours is obviously styled differently. James told me you had your mom's smile, but I think it's more like your dad's. And your skin is definitely from your father; you could send that guy to the desert and he wouldn't get a tan."

"Why did she give me up?"

"She wasn't ready for you. James and Kyle were. You were probably better off."

"Right. I was teased non-stop in school, James died when I was a teenager and everyone told me at least now I only had one dad, and now Kyle is missing. Yeah, I'm definitely better off."

"Trust me, it was for the best. Your mom wouldn't have given you the life you needed."

"Does my dad even know I exist?"

"Probably not."

"What do you think he'd say if he found out?"

"Probably not what you want him to say. I really can't tell you, I haven't seen him for years."

"So how did you know my parents?"

"I met Kyle when I was in high school, and I met your mother through him, and then I met your father through your mother. We weren't really close, I was mainly friends with Kyle."

"Are you ever gonna tell me who they are?"

"Probably not."

Sheila paused, then asked, "Are you ever gonna find Kyle?"

Olivia just sighed.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"CSU find anything else at the apartment?" Olivia asked Elliot when she returned to the squadroom.

"Nothing. Probably because there's nothing to find. I put out an APB on him. You get anything from Sheila?"

"Got a description of his car, already got it out. She doesn't know the names of any friends, she says he spends most of his time either at home or at work."

"Where does he work? We can go check it out."

"Technically he works at home, but apparently he spends most of his time at an internet café. He's a translator, does his work over the internet, but he doesn't have internet access in his apartment. She gave me the address, maybe someone there can tell us something."

Elliot nodded and grabbed his coat. He and Olivia walked outside together and Elliot slid into the driver's seat as usual, following Olivia's directions to the café. "Hi, how can I help you?" A young girl asked when the detectives approached the counter.

Elliot and Olivia flashed their badges. "Detective Benson, this is my partner, Detective Stabler. Do you know a man named Kyle Conley?"

"Uh, I'm pretty new here. Hang on, I'll get Nancy." The girl disappeared for a minute and returned with a woman in her mid twenties.

"Sam says you're asking about Kyle, is he alright?"

"When was the last time you saw him?"

"Yesterday morning. He came in around…10, maybe 10:30."

It had been almost three days since Sheila had last seen him. "How long was he here?"

"Not long, it was kinda weird," she said.

"How so?" Elliot asked.

"I know his schedule off by heart, and he never changes. He never comes in Monday mornings, he always comes in at about 3, says Monday mornings are bad enough without coming here to work."

"Did you talk to him at all?" Elliot asked.

"Not really. When I brought him his morning coffee I asked him what made him come in so early and he got really angry, said it was none of my business."

"I take it he's usually friendly?" Olivia asked.

"Oh yeah, he's a terrific guy, always joking around and complimenting everyone. The good ones are always married or gay, right?" She smiled and Olivia returned her smile half-heartedly.

"Did you happen to see what he was doing on the computer?" Elliot asked.

Nancy glanced around quickly to make sure no one was listening, then she lowered her voice. "I'm not really supposed to look, but I couldn't help it. He comes in here almost every day, and he's always on the same website, doing the same work. But yesterday he was on some kind of police website. And when I went back later, I only got a quick glance, but he was looking someone up on one of those websites that helps you find old high school friends, you know what I mean?"

Olivia nodded. "Did you see a name?"

"Uh, I dunno. Started with a J. Jaime, maybe, I know there was an M…"

"Jeremy?" Olivia asked, suddenly looking up from her notes.

"Yeah, that was it! How'd you know?"

Elliot cast Olivia a curious glance, but he hid it quickly. Olivia smiled. "We're detectives, remember?"

Nancy chuckled. "Yeah, I guess you'd know. Anything else?"

"Other than getting angry, was he acting weird?"

Nancy shrugged. "He looked kinda stressed out, like he hadn't slept in a while, and his clothes looked like he slept in them or something. He always looks really put together, I was a little worried about him. And he didn't say anything to anyone, other than when he got angry at me, he just stared at the screen the whole time."

"Did he say anything when he left?" Elliot asked.

"No, just scribbled something down and left; he paid ahead of time."

"Scribbled something down?" Olivia said.

"Yeah. I figured it was an address, since he had just been looking someone up. He wrote it down in a little notebook he had with him."

Olivia nodded, finishing the notes she had been writing and slipping her notebook back in her pocket. "Thanks, you've been really helpful."

"No problem. You need anything else you know where to find me." The detectives nodded and left the café.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

"Who's Jeremy?" Elliot asked as soon as they were both in the car.

"Sheila's father," Olivia replied with a deep sigh.

"Why's Kyle looking him up?"

"Your guess is as good as mine. As far as I know they've never met. Jeremy doesn't even know about Sheila."

Elliot drove back to the station and got on the computer, searching for Jeremy Hart. "He lives in Queens," Elliot told Olivia as he wrote down the address.

"You've got to be kidding me," Olivia muttered.

"Did you know this guy?"

Olivia shook her head. "It's just such a huge coincidence, all of these people showing up in my life again after so many years. We've been living so close for all these years, I can't believe we've never run into each other."

"It's a big city, Liv." Elliot stood up and headed out again, but Olivia didn't follow. Elliot turned around when he realized Olivia wasn't following him. "You coming?"

"Maybe I should sit this one out," Olivia said, wringing her hands nervously.

"I thought you didn't know this guy. What's the problem?"

"Well…I never said I didn't know him. We had a…nasty falling out."

"What happened?"

"It's none of your business," Olivia snapped. Elliot almost stepped back, he was so stunned. Olivia had never shut down so completely when talking about her past, and she'd never been so hostile.

"What if Kyle's there? Or what if this guy's dangerous? You're my partner, you're supposed to have my back."

Olivia stared at her hands for a while, then nodded and followed Elliot out reluctantly. She slid into the passenger seat and rested her head against the cool glass of the window. Neither detective spoke a single word the whole trip. Elliot's curiosity was driving him crazy, and Olivia's nerves were on high alert as they headed up the driveway towards Jeremy's house. She hoped she could keep it together for the interview, and more than anything she hoped she had changed beyond all recognition in the last 25 years.

Elliot knocked loudly on the front door and a woman roughly Olivia's age answered the door, her hair in a messy ponytail and the sound of two teenage boys wrestling behind her. She smiled sweetly. "Can I help you?"

Olivia and Elliot flashed their badges. "We're looking for Jeremy Hart," Olivia said quickly before Elliot could make their usual introductions. Elliot glanced at her quickly, but he remained silent.

"Oh, he just stepped out for groceries. Is something wrong?" She looked worried.

"We just need to talk to him," Olivia assured her.

"Well if you'd like to wait you're welcome to come in." She stood back to let the detectives and they sat down on the couch while she shooed the arguing boys out of the room and sat down in a large armchair. "I'm Jeremy's wife, Stacey. You don't think Jeremy's involved in something, do you?"

"We're looking for a missing person and we have reason to believe he might have come here," Elliot said.

"A man did come by yesterday to talk to Jeremy, they had a pretty heated argument."

"Did you recognize him?" Elliot asked, both he and Olivia whipping out their notebooks and pens.

"No, I've never seen him before. I didn't hear anything, either, I was dealing with the boys. As usual," she added with a faint smile. Elliot returned her smile, but Olivia was looking outside at the car that had just pulled up. 'God, he's hardly changed at all,' she thought, watching Jeremy get out of the car and open the trunk, loading his arms with grocery bags and walking up to the house.

"Just a few more bags," he called to Stacey, then headed back outside for the last of the groceries. When he came back inside he walked into the living room, his smile quickly disappearing when he saw Elliot and Olivia (who was pretending to write something in her notebook to avoid his gaze). "Who are you?"

"They're police officers," Stacey said.

"Detectives, actually," Elliot corrected. "We'd like to ask you some questions."

Jeremy nodded slowly. "Can I see your badges?"

Olivia felt her heart rate double. She handed over her badge along with Elliot's and she could detect the exact moment when he realized who she was. His eyes widened in surprise. "Olivia?! Wow, I almost didn't recognize you," he said, handing back the badges with a smile. 'Dammit, so close,' Olivia thought.

"You know this woman?" Stacey asked as Jeremy sat down on the arm of her chair.

"Yeah, I was one of her mom's students. We used to date until her mom went off the deep end, said she was too young to date me. In retrospect it was probably for the best." Olivia nodded in agreement. "So, what is it you wanted to ask me about?"

"Do you know a man named Kyle Conley?" Elliot asked.

"Of course," he said, directing his answer at Olivia.

"Were you friends?"

"No, I only met him a few times through Olivia."

"Have you seen him recently?" Olivia asked, deciding there was no point remaining silent for the whole interview. The damage was done, as far as she was concerned.

"Yeah, he came by yesterday, actually. I was pretty stunned, I hadn't seen the guy in like 25 years."

"What did he say?"

Jeremy's jaw clenched now. He glanced at Stacey, then looked back at Olivia. "He asked me if I knew where you were. I said I didn't and he got a little hostile, wasn't really making any sense, then he left."

Neither of them bought the story. "Mrs. Hart, would you give us a minute with your husband?"

With a little coaxing from Jeremy, Stacey left them alone to talk. "Alright, tell us the truth now," Elliot said.

"He asked me if I kept in touch with Olivia after we broke up, I told him we hadn't spoken since her mom freaked." Olivia buried her face in her hands, knowing what Kyle must have said to Jeremy and knowing that the truth was about to come pouring out of his mouth.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

**I'm up to chapter 28 so far and I've still got quite a few chapters in me I think. It's turning into a really great story, actually, even better than I expected. I changed the rating because there's some violence and gore in chapter 24. Well, enjoy!**

"Then he told me about his daughter, Sheila, he said he adopted her and that…I was her father. I told him that was ridiculous, I didn't have a daughter, and he got really angry, told me she was my responsibility, and I got angry at him because she's in her twenties now apparently so I didn't understand why he was suddenly hitting me up for support now. It was all really weird, he sounded completely deranged. Looked like it, too. His hair was a mess, his clothes, and he was talking so fast I could barely understand half of what he said."

"How did he know you were Sheila's father?" Elliot asked.

"I don't have a daughter," Jeremy repeated, annoyed.

"Yeah, you do," Olivia said, her voice muffled by her hands.

"What?" Both men said in unison. Olivia just groaned and quickly left the room. "Is she serious?" Jeremy asked, looking at Elliot in confusion.

Elliot was just as stunned, if not more. "Uh…Kyle, did he say anything else, before he left?"

"No, just kept shouting that Sheila was my responsibility. He was still rambling when he left."

"Do you have any idea where he might have gone?"

"No," Jeremy said, staring out the window, wanting to talk to Olivia but she had vanished outside.

Elliot nodded. "Thanks, you've been really helpful. We'll contact you again if we have anymore questions." He stood up to leave, but Jeremy raced outside ahead of him.

Olivia was sitting on the porch, too close to the wall to be seen through the window. "Sheila…was Kyle telling the truth, is she really mine?"

"Yeah. But she's not your responsibility." Olivia stood up and headed back to the car, but Jeremy stepped infront of her.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked, grabbed her shoulders, looking straight into her eyes.

"It wasn't your problem. You have a good life, a great family, don't screw that up over this. Just let it go, Jer." She broke away from his grasp and got into the driver's seat of the car as Elliot got into the passenger seat, still stunned by all that had happened.

"Sheila's your daughter?! How the hell could you not tell me that?" Elliot cried when they had pulled away from the house.

"It's none of your business," Olivia said.

"Olivia…" Elliot didn't even know what to say anymore. They fell into a very awkward and uncomfortable silence for a while, until Elliot spoke again. "Does she know?"

"No, I lied to her."

"But why…"

"I couldn't take care of her. Kyle was a good friend, I met him once when I was visiting Jeremy as school. He and James were a great couple, I loved both of them. They wanted to get married and have kids, but society was against them. When my mom threatened to kick Jeremy out of school unless I stopped seeing him, it wasn't exactly heartbreaking; he loved me, but I only wanted to be with him to get away from my mom. But when I found out I was pregnant…Kyle was the one who helped me through it. Simone helped me deal with my mom, and she set up the adoption. When James said he wanted to go back to England, I thought it was a great idea. Seeing Sheila everyday would have been unbearable; I didn't want her in my life." Olivia's eyes were shining with tears now and she was grateful when they finally reached the precinct, her tears flowing down her cheeks. "Now look what's happening," she said softly.

"Liv, none of this is your fault. You couldn't have predicted this, no one could have."

Olivia buried her face in her hands and started to sob. Elliot put a comforting hand on her back, but he had no idea what else to do. He'd never seen Olivia break down like that before, and he wasn't usually the sensitive half of this partnership. Children and rape victims he could handle because he knew what to say to them, but this was uncharted territory for him. "I'm sorry," Olivia said, wiping away her tears.

"Don't be. You have a right to be upset." Olivia just shook her head and got out of the car, heading inside with Elliot close behind her.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

"You find out anything?" Cragen asked when they came in the next morning.

"He went to see Sheila's father, tried to tell him she was his responsibility. Jeremy said he looked deranged," Elliot said, sitting down on his desk.

"He must have run off somewhere, he was trying to find someone to look after Sheila. Nancy at the cyber café said he was looking at a police website, I'm thinking he was probably looking for me."

"Why you?" Cragen asked.

"He probably figured I'd take care of her. When they came to New York he told Sheila to look me up if she was ever in a lot of trouble." Olivia shrugged.

"Any idea where he might have gone?"

"He didn't say anything to anyone. We put out an alert to all the airports in case he's heading back to England but nothing's come up so far."

"You talk to his co-workers?"

"He works over the internet, does everything at the café," Elliot said.

"Check out the café again, see if you can find someone he was close to." They nodded and headed back to the cyber café.

"Hey, it's New York's finest, what can we help you with this time, Detectives?" Nancy greeted them cheerfully.

"We were hoping you could give us the names of some other customers that might have been close to Kyle," Olivia said, her notebook already in her hand.

Nancy sat down on a stool at the counter. "You know, now that I think about it he wasn't really close to anyone. He's always the life of the party, makes everyone laugh, listens to the problems, all the waitresses here love him. But he never really talked much to anyone in particular. A lot of people knew him, but just from seeing him here. You might try talking to Dave Grace, they sit beside each other a lot, I've seen them chatting from time to time, maybe he can help you out."

"Is he in here now?" Elliot asked, glancing around.

Nancy looked around the café and shook her head. "Nope, but he usually doesn't come in on Wednesdays. I have no idea where he lives, in case you're wondering."

"Can you think of anyone else?" Olivia asked.

"No, but Dave might have some idea."

The detectives thanked her and left. They got Dave's address and headed to his third floor apartment. Elliot knocked on the door and a very tired looking man in his late thirties answered. "Oh, thank god you're here," he said, looking extremely relieved and clearly upset.

"You called the police?" Olivia asked, glancing at Elliot.

"Isn't that why you're here?" He asked, glancing at the gun and badge on Olivia's hip.

"No, actually, we're detectives. What's the problem?" Elliot asked.

"A friend of mine was here a few minutes ago and I'm really worried about him. He was rambling on, not making any sense at all, spouting out different names. He was really agitated and angry. He was scratching at himself, too. When he just ran off I was really worried so I called the police."

"Kyle Conley?" Olivia guessed, already knowing the answer.

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

"He was reported missing, we've been looking for him. Do you have any idea where he might have gone?"

"No. Like I said, he wasn't really making any sense, he was muttering a lot. Look, you really need to go after him."

"That's what we've been doing for the last two days. You called the police, which means they're looking for him, too. We'll find him," Elliot said. Dave thanked them and they quickly left.

Olivia contacted the police while Elliot headed back to the station, ready to change direction if the police told Olivia anything relevant. "Shit," Olivia said as she hung up.

"What's wrong?" Elliot asked.

"Turn around, we're going to Kyle's apartment," Olivia said, and Elliot quickly turned the car around and sped off in the opposite direction. "They found him sitting on the roof. He's got a gun, too, as if being 10 stories up isn't enough."

Elliot parked as close to the building as he could and he and Olivia flashed their badges. It took some convincing, but the police on scene let Olivia go up to the roof. There was already a negotiator there, and several cops behind him just in case things went south. "No, what are you doing up here?" The negotiator hissed at Olivia.

"Detective Benson, I'm a friend," she said.

Kyle turned his head when he realized there was someone else on the roof. "Olivia? Is that really you?" He was cradling the gun in his arms, one finger loosely on the trigger, though no one could see this clearly. His eyes were red and puffy from crying, his hair and clothes were in disarray and he looked as if he had aged a hundred years over the last 3 days. Olivia couldn't believe he was only four years older than her.

"Yeah, Kyle, it's me. I've been looking for you; Sheila's really worried."

"No, Sheila's not my problem anymore," Kyle said, shaking his head vigorously.

"She can take care of herself now, Kyle, but she still needs you. She loves you."

Kyle sobbed and continued to shake his head. "No, no, no…"

"Yes, Kyle. She cares about you, _I _care about you."

"No! No you don't!" Kyle shouted at her, still sobbing.

"Yes, Kyle, I do. I gave her up for you."

"You threw me out of your life!"

"Because I cared so much about her, I couldn't stand not being with her, not being her mother. And I didn't want to take away from her relationship with you. She couldn't get what she needed from me, she needed _you_. She still does."

"Nobody needs me, NOBODY!" He screamed.

Olivia was slowly inching towards Kyle, knowing that getting too close was dangerous, but she had to try to close the gap. "Yes, they do. You're hurting Kyle, I know that, but this isn't the answer."

"You have no idea! You don't know anything about me! You didn't even know I was here!"

"Because you didn't want me to know. You knew I couldn't handle it; you were being a good friend, Kyle, and I'm so grateful for that. Please, don't let it end like this between us. I want to help you; everyone here wants to help you."

"No! No!" Kyle screamed, his words filled with despair and rage. Suddenly everything exploded and so many things happened at once, gunshots that echoed into a hundred more gunshots, Olivia couldn't even process what had happened until she saw the blood, everyone rushing to assess the damage. She felt hot tears sting her eyes.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

"Olivia! No, let me go! OLIVIA!!" Kyle fought hard against the arms that were trying to hold his struggling form. He tried to break away, but the two cops that held him were too strong.

"Hold on, paramedics are on the way up," the negotiator assured Olivia as he pressed one hand on her leg and the other on her shoulder.

"I'm okay," Olivia said, her body shaking from adrenaline and probably shock.

"We'll let the paramedics decide that."

"Olivia, please, forgive me, Olivia, forgive me. LET ME GO!!" Olivia closed her eyes to block out the sound, her head spinning too fast to think about Kyle. He was being dragged away now in handcuffs, probably charged with attempted murder. 'I have to sort this out, I have to fix this,' Olivia thought.

The paramedics arrived just as Kyle was being forced through the door and towards the elevator. The medics quickly assessed the wounds and bandaged them. "You're lucky, detective. Through-and-throughs - you'll be back chasing down the bad guys in no time."

SVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVU

"What the hell are you doing?" Elliot had just entered Olivia's hospital room, expecting to see her in bed in her hospital gown, but she was standing up, most of her weight on her uninjured leg, pulling on her sweater, wincing as she lifted her shoulder and deciding quickly it wasn't worth it. She was now fully dressed and apparently intent on leaving.

"I've got to sort this thing out with Kyle before they put him away for attempted murder or some other stupid charge," she said, trying to slip past Elliot, but he was planted firmly infront of the door, arms crossed stubbornly over his chest.

"You're not going anywhere, Olivia. You can't even put on your sweater and you can barely walk," he said, noticing her limping even as she walked the short distance from the bed to the door.

"Something's wrong with him, Elliot, he needs help!"

"And he's gonna get it. He was about to commit suicide, Olivia, they're not just gonna toss him in a cell and throw away the key. Get back in bed and rest. Kyle'll be fine, I'll make sure of it."

Olivia stood there for a minute, her jaw clenched. After a minute she sighed and went back to her bed, opting for two large hops rather than putting wait on her leg again. The bullet had hit her knee and, while the doctors assured her it would heal fully, it still hurt like hell to walk. She pulled herself up on the bed with another deep sigh. "This sucks."

Elliot smiled and sat down in the chair next to her bed. "Being in the hospital or not being able to do anything?"

"Both. I really need to talk to Kyle." She stood up again but Elliot quickly shoved her back on the bed, a little harder than he had meant to.

"Sorry, but it's for your own good," he said.

"He tried to kill himself, Elliot!"

"Yeah, and he's getting treatment for that now."

"He's gonna think I'm mad at him, or that I'm lying here dying and it's his fault."

"Well, he _is_ the reason you're here," Elliot said.

"Because he's sick! You didn't hear him, he was begging me to forgive him! How could you…"

"Relax, Liv, I know."

"Then don't say stupid things like that." Olivia crossed her arms in a huff and Elliot laughed. "What the hell is so funny?"

"You." He crossed his own arms, his bottom lip outstretched in a childish imitation of Olivia.

"Oh I see, you want me to be more grown up with my frustration? Maybe I'll just take a page out of your book and give you a black eye, or a nice kick in the nuts, would you prefer that?"

Elliot rolled his eyes and sat back in the chair, still smiling. He and Olivia didn't joke around that often lately, so he was grateful for moments like this. It made him feel like maybe, just maybe their partnership actually extended beyond their partnership. He sometimes worried about that, about what would happen to them if their partnership ended. Would they still be friends? Could they ever really have a normal friendship, normal conversations? Moments like this made him hopeful.

"You're such a jackass," Olivia muttered.

"And yet you keep coming back."

"Well, someone has to deal with you, and we both know I'm the only person in the world who can handle you." It was these comments that made him wonder exactly how she felt about their partner/friendship.

"Hey, Dani put up with me," Elliot pointed out.

"You really want to use her as your defence? That was a train wreck."

"It wasn't a train wreck."

"You're right; there was no train involved," Olivia said with a smirk.

Elliot rolled his eyes, but he couldn't help smiling. Olivia was right, his short stint with Dani had been bad. He wouldn't call it a train wreck, it was just…bad. Elliot had been so relieved to see Olivia return, even if it was awkward at first. They had quickly become in sync again, with the exception of Olivia's 'bad cop episode' as he liked to refer to it. They had silently agreed to let the whole thing drop, so he could never admit to her that he really liked seeing Olivia enraged like that. Not that he approved of what she had done, and he certainly didn't think rage was the best way to deal with things (and he should know), but it had been a thrill to watch her. Olivia was always tough, and she could really make perps squirm when she wanted to, but seeing her fly off the handle had been alarming and exciting. What was probably most thrilling about it all was seeing something in her he'd never realized was there, and then quickly realizing just how much he knew about her, and how much he really didn't.

Now he was seeing that again, a new aspect of her, new secrets about her, only this time it wasn't thrilling; frankly, it was sad. Didn't this woman have anything happy in her past? Sure, having a baby was a happy event, but not at sixteen when you know you're only giving it up. Elliot had always hoped Olivia would have a baby someday, and now, realizing she'd already had one and experienced nothing but heartbreak, he felt sorry for her. He hoped that something could be salvaged from this train wreck – because this, he was sure, qualified as a train wreck.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

"Olivia? Can I come in?" Sheila opened the door just enough to stick her head in.

Elliot had left the room an hour ago and Olivia was stretched out on the bed, propped up against the pillows, one hand behind her head. She was dying of boredom and wished she had something to do, but when she saw Sheila she thought she would rather be bored than deal with this right now. "Sure," she replied.

Sheila shut the door behind her and sat down cross-legged on the end of Olivia's bed. "How're you feeling?"

"Bored."

"Elliot said your knee is hurt." Olivia suspected this was Sheila's way of measuring how angry Olivia was at Kyle before saying what she really wanted to say.

"It'll heal. So will my arm."

Sheila nodded absent-mindedly. After a minute she looked up at Olivia. "What happened to him?"

"I really don't know. But he's getting help now."

"Is he ever going to get better?"

"Sheila, Kyle and I haven't been in touch for more than two decades, and I'm not a trained psychiatrist."

Sheila sighed and nodded sadly. "He was looking for my father, wasn't he?"

Olivia nodded slowly. "Yeah. How'd you know?"

"I talked to Nancy, she told me about Jeremy. I wasn't really sure who he was, but it wasn't hard to guess."

"Please tell me you didn't talk to him."

Sheila shook her head. "No, he doesn't need to know about me. He probably never knew about me, and I'm sure he has a family of his own by now, there's no point in ruining that. I just wish Nancy could tell me my mother's name."

"Well Kyle already knew where she was living. And even if he didn't, he probably didn't want to betray his promise to her."

"Promise?" Sheila looked at Olivia, confused.

"He promised to take you away. Your mom didn't want to take away from your relationship with Kyle and James, and it was too painful for her to see you all the time, so he promised to keep the truth from you."

"You know, if you had told me that a few years ago I might resent her for sending me away, but it sort of makes sense now. She cared about me enough to let me go. Up until recently I've had a pretty great life, I guess."

"That's good."

"So why do I still want to know? Shouldn't having two loving parents be enough?"

"There's just something about a biological connection that calls to us. Believe me, I understand. My father was a monster and I still wanted to know who he was."

"Did you ever find him?"

"He was already dead when I finally found out who he was."

"Did it change anything, knowing who he was?"

"Well, the brother I never knew existed was a big change, but no, it really didn't change anything. My situation is a little different from yours, though."

"Maybe I have siblings."

"You have two half-brothers on your dad's side."

"And on my mom's? Do you know whether she had anymore kids?"

"She didn't," Olivia replied after a minute.

"So you kept in touch with both of them?"

"I found out while looking for Kyle."

"Wait, my mom lives in the city?! Come on, now, this is just cruel, you have to tell me!"

Olivia shook her head. "It won't change anything."

"You don't know that! I'm an adult now, I deserve the truth! I'll find it eventually, Olivia, you know I will."

"You know, if you really thought hard about it for a while you could probably figure it out without me telling you anything."

Sheila was stunned into silence for a moment, and then said, "I don't get it."

"That's because you're too trusting of the people around you. The truth is pretty obvious if you're willing to accept you've been lied to. I'm surprised you haven't figured it out already, actually."

Again Sheila looked stunned and confused. She put her elbows on her knees and buried her face in her hands. Olivia turned, letting her bed leg slide off the bed and bending the other underneath her. Her wounds were still screaming in pain but they were drowned out by her hammering heart. After a minute that seemed like an hour, Sheila lifted her head slowly and pushed her glasses back into place, staring at Olivia. "So…you've met my mother before? You know her pretty well? I can't believe I didn't see right through that. Of course Kyle would tell me to go looking for you if anything happened to him. You're right, I swallowed your lies without the slightest bit of doubt."


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

"Technically, speaking in the third person isn't lying."

"Why didn't you just tell me?"

"It's not really that easy. I never wanted to be in your life because I was afraid it would take away from your relationship with James and Kyle. They're your parents, Sheila, not Jeremy and I. Sure, part of my blood is in you, but that doesn't mean anything."

"Of course it does," Sheila protested, "we're family!"

"No, we're not. We're blood relatives; there's a big difference."

"Why don't you want me in your life? Didn't you ever wonder how I was doing, what happened to me?"

"I wondered ever damn day of my life!" Olivia shouted angrily, her eyes stinging with tears. They were both quiet for a minute, then Olivia said, "I'm sorry. When you were born I always assumed I'd grow up, find someone I really care about and have a family. But instead I…screwed everything up. I self destructed and I didn't even realize it was happening until it was too late."

"Self destructed?"

"Working at SVU. I gave up my entire personal life. I've cancelled more dates and lost more boyfriends than I can count because of it. And still I can't leave, can't cut back on my hours, can't take a vacation. I gave up on having a real family a long time ago."

"So why not have one now? It's not perfect, but it's something."

Olivia buried her face in her hands. "This isn't happening," she groaned, her voice muffled by her hands.

Sheila couldn't help smiling. "That's it, just close your eyes, it'll all go away."

"Just because I gave birth to you once upon a time ago doesn't mean I have any responsibility to you. If you were a kid it might be different, but you're an adult, you can take care of yourself."

"Once upon a time ago?"

Olivia rolled her eyes. "_That's_ what you focus on?"

"James used to say that a lot. He had all kinds of little phrases like that. So did he get them from you or did you get them from him?"

"It was a mutual exchange," she said dryly.

"If you had known he died, would you have gone to his funeral?"

"I really don't know. James and I weren't close, but Kyle might have appreciated it. But there was the risk of peaking your curiosity that I probably wouldn't have taken. I might have called Kyle, though, made sure he was getting through it alright."

"Would you have come if you knew I was sick?"

"Maybe, depending on how sick you were. But here you are, perfectly healthy, so it doesn't really matter."

"I had leukemia when I was little."

It was Olivia's turn to be shocked into silence. She stared at Sheila for a long time before she said, softly so her voice wouldn't break, "Why didn't they tell me?"

"You're asking the wrong person. Would you have come if you'd known?"

"What does it matter now? You're fine, aren't you?"

"Yes, now I am. I went through 4 years of chemotherapy and years of tests after that. Maybe it doesn't change anything, but it matters to me to hear your answer."

"It's not an easy question to answer. It would have been hard to stay here, knowing what was happening to you, but it wouldn't have been fair to Kyle and James for me to just show up. As a child you always think that your biological parents are so much better than anyone else, which isn't always the case. It would have hurt them for me to show up and take credit for sticking with you through the chemo."

Sheila nodded, accepting the explanation. "I'm always going to be in the city, Olivia, and you're never going to be able to just forget me. Think about it." She slid off the bed and left the room, leaving Olivia feeling lonelier than ever before.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

"Detective Benson," Olivia showed the nurse her badge, looking around as the nurse searched for the room number.

"He's in the rec room right now, just down the hall there," the nurse pointed in the direction of the room. Olivia thanked her and headed down the hall, still limping slightly despite the brace she was wearing.

"Olivia!" Kyle hurried over the Olivia but two of the staff held him back before he could touch her.

"It's alright, he's a friend," Olivia said.

They let him go, but he didn't move any closer to Olivia. "Your leg…"

"It's fine. The shoulder, too. A little painful, but nothing I can't handle." She smiled.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't know what I was doing, everything was just so confusing, I needed it to stop. They have me on medication now. It makes everything sort of foggy, but it's a lot better."

"That's good. What happened, Kyle?"

"They tell me it was psychotic break, caused by severe depression. Even I didn't realize how bad it was getting; I was so good at feigning happiness. I'm just glad I didn't jump off that roof."

"Sheila's really worried about you."

"She takes good care of me," he said with a weak smile. "She's a lot like you, you know. Stubborn as a mule and tough as nails when she wants to be."

"She knows about Jeremy and I."

Kyle nodded. "It had to happen eventually. She has a right to know, after all."

"Why did you bring her here?"

"After James died I got scared. I never really got through it, and I needed to get away. Rather than go to some strange new place, we came here. You two wouldn't recognize each other and I didn't go out much, so it seemed safe. And I told her to find you if she ever really needed to."

"Why?"

"Because I knew you would help her. And I knew she wouldn't go looking for you for no reason because she's a good girl, and she's never been interested in actively seeking you and Jeremy out. Being with James and I was enough for her. Not that she never asked about you, she always wanted to know more about you, but she respected your decision."

"She thinks I should be in her life now, that we're family."

"You don't agree?" Olivia shook her head. "Why not?"

"It hurt so much to give her up…"

"That's no reason to cast her out of your life for a second time. I'm probably going to be here for a while, and she needs her mother now more than ever. She's getting married, you know," he added with a smile.

"Really? She's not wearing an engagement ring."

"She doesn't have one. Did you see the necklace she wears?" Olivia thought about it for a second, then nodded. She'd never really paid any attention to it, since the pendant was always tucked into the front of her shirt, but she remembered the delicate chain, which she had guessed was white gold. "That's her engagement 'ring'. She doesn't like wearing rings for whatever reason, so her fiancé bought her that custom-made necklace. It's a small sapphire ball with two diamonds hanging on either side of it, very pretty."

"That really doesn't change anything."

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Olivia, I don't know what your problem is, but you need to get over it. Yes, you gave her up, but you did the right thing. She knows that and she respects it; James and I made sure she always understood. You have a chance to change things. She's here, she wants into your life, there's no reason to turn her away. She knows who you are now, there's no point keeping her away."

"Keep talking like this and you'll be out of here in no time," Olivia said. They both smiled. "I really do hate seeing you in here."

"You and me both. I feel a lot better on this medication, though. Stop trying to change the subject. Go talk to Sheila." They both smiled again and they hugged tightly for a long minute before Olivia left.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

"Uh, hi," Olivia said to the man standing in the doorway. He was tall thin, with thick, wild black hair and glasses that framed his bright green eyes. He was wearing a neck strap that held an alto saxophone, which Olivia had heard him playing beautifully a minute ago, before she knocked on the apartment door. He was wearing a necklace with a dark ruby shaped into a ball, surrounded by two small diamond pendants. "Is Sheila here?"

"Yeah, come on in," he said, stepping back to let Olivia in. She noted his French accent when he spoke. "Sheila, quelqu'un ici pour te voir!" _Sheila, someone her to see you._

"Je suis un peu occupée maintenant!" _I'm a little busy right now._ Her accent was a little off compared to her fiancé's, but it was still very good.

He smiled at Olivia. "She's feeding Curtis. He's her friend's son and we're babysitting him tonight. You can go see her in the kitchen, it's just through that door."

Olivia nodded and headed for the kitchen, wondering if this man knew who she was, if he even knew Sheila had found her mother. When she opened the door she saw Sheila, feeding a little boy who couldn't be more than a year old. "Olivia!" Sheila smiled when she saw Olivia and as she paused the little boy grabbed hold of the spoon she was feeding him with and wouldn't let go. They both laughed.

"Kyle told me about you're engagement. Looks like I'm not the only one hiding things."

"Technically not telling you something you never asked about isn't lying," she said in a flawless American accent, mocking Olivia's tone.

"Impressive," she said, rolling her eyes.

Sheila laughed. "Etienne only proposed two days before this whole thing with Kyle started. I'm still getting used to it. I'll probably introduce him as my boyfriend for the next month."

"I'm really happy for you."

"And not at all bitter that your daughter's getting married before you, right?"

"Not at all," Olivia said with a grin. Sheila cast Olivia a sideways glance, smirking, but didn't say anything else. "You play the mom role very well. Guess you didn't get that from me."

"I'm sure you'd make a great mom. So cut the small talk and get to the point…what's the real reason you didn't want in my life?"

"I guess I'm just…bitter."

"Why?"

"A while ago I was turned down for adoption. It's pretty ironic. I didn't want an abortion because of my mom, and Kyle and James were such great and willing parents, I thought I did a really great thing. Then I finally decide I'm ready for a baby of my own and they tell me I'm not 'prime parent material'."

"Well that's bullshit. It's no wonder there are so many children suffering in foster care. Single parents and gay couples who would provide everything the child needs and more don't even have a chance. It's absolutely ridiculous."

"Believe me, I know how screwed up the system is. It was tough, being told I'm not good enough to adopt a child. I guess I just felt sort of cheated. But Kyle knocked some sense into me," she said with a faint smile.

"Good. Apparently it's not easy to get through that thick skull of yours."

"Thick skulls are hereditary, you know." They both laughed.

"So tell me something: I thought you said I had my mom's hair?"

"I dye it."

"Why?"

"I get bored easily," she said with a shrug. "It'll be a different colour and length by the end of the month I'm sure."

Sheila stared very intently at Olivia for a minute, then nodded. "Well, you were telling the truth about my eyes. What colour are my dad's?"

"Dirty green."

"Is the 'dirty' just biased language or is that how you've always described them?"

"It's how I've always thought of them. The green has flecks of brown in it so it looks...dirty."

"Do you remember my birthmark?"

"That little question mark on you back, or the one on your temple?"

"I have a birthmark on my temple?"

Olivia laughed and nodded. "The last time we saw each other you were bald. It looks like a smaller version of the one on your back."

"I didn't see it when I was going through chemo."

"Maybe it faded after you were born." Olivia shrugged.

"Here I was thinking you'd forgotten all this and it turns out you know more than I do."

"I've never forgotten anything about the day you were born, or the short time we had together. Giving you up was the hardest thing I've ever had to."

"You made the right choice."

"That means a lot, coming from you."

**Don't worry, it's not gonna be happiness and rainbows for long! Plenty more to come. I'm up to like 32 chapter now.**


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

"I don't believe it," Olivia said, looking at the clock.

"What?" Elliot asked, following her gaze, then looking back at her.

"I'm actually going to make it out of here in time for my date." She looked at the small stack of papers left on her desk and smiled. It wouldn't take her long to finish this and she was thrilled. The man she was dating, Shawn, had passed the first tests: they had great chemistry, he had little interest in her job but was willing to listen when she said she had a bad day, and he had continued to call after her third cancellation because she assured him she was still interested and he was actually willing to put effort into the relationship.

"That's great. I like Shawn."

"Well, I'm glad I have your approval," Olivia said sarcastically, but she really did value Elliot's opinion. Not that she would break up with someone just because Elliot didn't like him, but he had been a good judge of character in the past, so she would probably be wary of someone he didn't like.

"So how are the wedding plans going?" It took a minute to realize that he wasn't teasing her, but asking about Sheila.

It had been just over a month since they were reunited and Sheila was planning to get married in 5 weeks. The ceremony was going to be small and simple, but very unique and not at all traditional. The plans had Sheila a little stressed, but Olivia was helping her, with Kyle offering his own advice. He was still in the mental facility, but he was doing well.

"Wedding?" Munch said, hearing Elliot's question.

"Sheila's getting married," Olivia said, opening another file and continuing her paperwork.

Telling everyone about Sheila had been awkward, especially Cragen because she really shouldn't have taken on a case that involved a family member. Elliot had been there with her, though, and everyone had been supportive as usual. Now, as if their conversation had called to her, Sheila walked into the squadroom. Olivia was happy to see her, until she realized Sheila was crying. "Sheila, what's wrong?" Olivia asked, rushing to her.

Sheila opened her mouth but only a sob escaped. Olivia wrapped her arms around Sheila until she had calmed down enough to speak. "He killed himself," she said.

"Oh no. Kyle?" Sheila nodded and Olivia felt tears forming. She led Sheila to the empty crib so they could talk in private. "What happened?"

She shook her head and wiped her tears on the back of her hand. "I don't know. He was doing so well." She started to sob again and Olivia just held her, tears running silently down her own cheeks.

Sheila reached into her pocket with a shaking hand and pulled out a folded piece of paper. She handed it to Olivia, who read it over several times. It read:

_Sheila, Olivia, I'm so sorry. I really tried. This medication worked for a little while, but the pain is just getting worse. Maybe it's because of James's death, or maybe I'm just sick, but whatever it is I just can't live with it anymore. Please know that I love you both very much, and my only regret is never getting to see my grandchild. Goodbye._

Olivia shook her head sadly. "I'm sorry, Sheila."

"I thought he was getting better," she sobbed.

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Staring at Kyle's cold form under the harsh lights of the lab was a chilling and slightly disturbing experience for Olivia. She had asked Warner to perform the autopsy, and was thankful when the ME covered Kyle with the sheet, breaking Olivia's daze. "It wasn't a suicide."

"Are you sure?" Olivia asked.

"His injuries are inconsistent with a hanging. Someone strangled him and then tied him up to make it look like a suicide."

Olivia wasn't sure how to feel about this news. It was a relief to hear that Kyle hadn't really been suicidal, but that knowledge almost made it worse. He hadn't made the choice himself; his life had been stolen from him. "Did you find any signs of a struggle?"

"No, but I found a needle mark in his neck. I sent a blood sample to tox. He was injected with a muscle relaxant. Whoever did this obviously didn't know what they were doing."

"Why's that?"

"Well a muscle relaxant would have killed him on its own. They could have tied him up and made it look much more convincing. In fact, if the injuries hadn't been so inconsistent I might not have found the needle mark."

"Muscle relaxants would have killed him?"

"These kind, yes. They would have paralysed him, he would have suffocated. Which means one of two things: either the murderer didn't know what he was doing, or he strangled Kyle to make it faster. Judging from his injuries, I'd say it took only seconds for him to die. It would have taken two to three minutes had the muscle relaxants killed him."

"So this was either stupidity or mercy. Great." Olivia shook her head in frustration.

As Olivia was leaving the ME's office her cell phone went off. She fished it out of her pocket and put it to her ear. "Benson."

"Hey, Liv. You know, cancellations I can handle, but getting stood up is a real blow to the ego."

Olivia stopped dead in her tracks when she heard Shawn's voice. She had completely forgotten about their date. She had spent the night before comforting Sheila and convincing Warner to give the autopsy top priority, which she had miraculously completed in record time. "I'm so sorry, Shawn, I completely forgot. A friend of mine died yesterday and…well, it's a long story."

"Oh, Liv, I'm really sorry to hear that."

"Are you busy?"

"Right now? No."

"Meet me at my place in half an hour." Olivia hung up the phone, not really sure what she was doing. Shawn deserved better than being stood up. Even if she did have a valid reason, she still had a phone, she could have called. Whatever her reasons for inviting Shawn over, it was too late to change her mind now.

**I realize it's pretty unlikely that Warner could finish an autopsy that fast, but this is a fanfic so just indulge me :P lol**


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Olivia headed home quickly, changed out of her work clothes and into a more comfortable t-shirt and jeans, and poured herself a drink. Halfway through her drink, her apartment buzzer ripped through the silence, starling her and almost causing her to spill her drink. Despite living in the city her entire life, she was always startled by the noise. She pressed the button to open the door and waited for the knock. When she opened the door she smiled at Shawn, who smiled back as he slipped inside and closed the door.

It always amazed Olivia at how ordinary Shawn looked. He had the sort of face that could never be described to a sketch artist unless you studied it for many hours before. Typical height, weight, with a very ordinary face, that's how Olivia would describe him. But he had light, smoky blue eyes that drove her crazy and everything memorable about him was packed into his personality. At first she had thought of him as nothing more than a big goofball, but he had shown her his more serious, intelligent side and she had made a real effort to make the relationship work ever since, though she was finding it a difficult promise to keep.

Shawn kissed her softly and then took Olivia's glass and drained the last of the wine in it. "I was drinking that," she said.

"Yes, and now it's gone. You had to pour more anyway."

"So much for being a gentleman."

"Ah, but I'm also a pain in the ass, and the two very rarely coincide." He smiled his adorable crooked smile and Olivia just rolled her eyes and got another glass from the kitchen, pouring more wine for both of them.

"I'm glad you could come over on such short notice. It's been a rough day."

"I can imagine. How did your friend die? If you don't mind me asking."

"We thought it was suicide, but according to the ME, it was murder."

"You investigating the case?"

"SVU doesn't handle homicides like this. My captain did me a favour when he went missing, but he won't do it again. I shouldn't have taken the case in the first place."

"Wait, he went missing?" Shawn looked confused. Olivia took a deep breath, sipped her wine, and then launched into the whole story. When she was finished they were both quiet for a long time.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be unloading all of this on you."

"No, don't apologize. I'm glad you called, I was starting to wonder about us."

"I really do try to keep our dates," she said, letting Shawn pour her another glass of wine.

"Glad to hear it. What you do is important, I wouldn't want you to run out on some missing child because of me."

"You and another handful of men in the entire world."

"Maybe I should teach a class."

"Waste of time."

"Come on, you must have _some_ luck with men, with a body like that."

"Sure, I have plenty of luck. I get in, get what I want, then I tell them what I do for a living and they leave."

"Every guy?"

"No, not every guy. The ones that aren't scared off by my job eventually get sick of me bailing on them, and I can't really blame them. There's only ever been one guy who actually stuck around despite all that. Besides you, I mean."

"So what happened to him?"

"I told him about my dad and he split."

"Axe murderer, just paroled?" Shawn said with a smile, looking a little confused.

"Rapist," she said, sipping her wine slowly, watching carefully for his reaction.

"Ouch. Must have been tough, having him in prison."

Olivia smiled and shook her head. He didn't get it; that's alright, most people didn't right away. "I never knew who he was. Neither did my mom."

"So how…oh." He took a sip of wine, held the glass to his lips for a minute, took another sip. Finally he downed the remainder of his drink and looked at Olivia.

"Scared off yet?"

He shrugged. "I don't really see how it matters. Unless he's some psycho killer out to slit me throat, it really doesn't change anything. Certainly explains a lot about you, though." It was Olivia's turn to look confused. "I just mean why you're so into your job. Sort of your own way of getting the justice you never had. They never caught him, right?"

"I found his identity eventually, but he died years ago."

"We all have our baggage, Liv, it's no big deal. It certainly doesn't change anything." He took her hand in his and kissed her across the island they were leaning on.

"Well, this is uncharted territory for me," she said, smiling.

"It just so happens I am an excellent navigator." They both smiled.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

"I'm supposed to go to Etienne's performance tonight." Olivia was at Sheila's apartment, filling her in on what the ME had said. Sheila was obviously still grieving and it was apparently taking a toll on her relationship with Etienne, who played the violin for a professional orchestra, though his true love was the saxophone.

"You should go, get out of the house for a while," Olivia urged her.

"How am I supposed to just go out and have a good time like nothing happened? My father was murdered!" Sheila had almost skipped the first stage of grief completely and gone straight to anger. It was almost impossible to offer her a kind word without getting your head bitten off. This was the main reason for her problems with Etienne.

"I understand that, Sheila…"

"No, you don't understand!"

"He was my friend, too, you know."

"Who you haven't even spoken to for years! Your father wasn't stolen from you, you had a mother who actually cared about you…"

Olivia was on her feet in a second, her own rage finally boiling over. "My father was a rapist and my mother was a fucking abusive drunk! She's the reason I ran off with your father in the first place and I nearly killed her because she attacked me when I told her I was pregnant! So don't give me your 'you don't understand, woe is me' crap, because you have no fucking idea what I've been through!"

Sheila's eyes were shining with tears and she turned away from Olivia quickly, whose rage was replaced instantly by guilt and shame. "Sheila, I'm so sorry."

"No, you're right, I'm just being a stupid kid." Sheila snapped.

Olivia sighed and put a hand on Sheila's shoulder. "Look, we're both angry and upset, but we need to stop taking it out on each other."

Sheila turned around and wrapped her arms around Olivia, who returned her embrace. "I want him back so badly," Sheila said, tears flowing down her cheeks.

"I do, too."

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"How's the investigation going?" Elliot asked about Kyle's murder.

Olivia shrugged. "I have no idea."

"You're not working on it?"

"I've decided to leave this one to homicide. Sheila needs me and…"

"What?" Elliot asked when Olivia just stopped talking.

"I have enough work to do, that's all," she said dismissively.

"How are things going with you and Shawn?" Elliot asked with a smirk. His grin widened when Olivia ignored him. "Alright, I get the picture."

"What happened to 'your personal life is your own business'?"

"It comes and goes," he said with a shrug.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Elliot groaned when he heard his cell phone buzzing on the table next to him. Kathy woke up next to him. "If that's Olivia it better be important," she said grumpily. She had no problem with Olivia normally, but she was tired of the woman calling in the middle of the night.

Elliot flipped open the phone and held it to his ear. "Stabler," he said sleepily.

"You have 48 hours. Give us 10 million dollars or she dies. We'll contact you with further information soon. Try to find us and she's dead." There was a loud click as the call ended and Elliot let out the breath he hadn't realized he was holding.

"Shit," he said, scrambling out of bed and pulling on the first clothes he could get his hands on.

"Elliot, what's the matter? Who was that?"

"I gotta go, I'll call you later," he said, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek before racing out of the house.

"Did you get the call?" Elliot asked, racing into the empty squadroom and then into Cragen's office, who was doing some late-night paperwork because he couldn't sleep.

"What call?" He asked. Elliot quickly filled him in on the phone call he had received and Cragen was on the phone quickly, calling Munch and Fin. He told them to get their asses back to the precinct now. Then he got his coat and drove Elliot to Olivia's apartment.

When they got to the apartment they had to buzz several different people before someone finally came down to let them in, wanting to see their badges before he just opened the door. They headed up to Olivia's apartment and found the door open. Inside the apartment looked like there had been a struggle. Elliot noticed blood on the coffee table in front of the house and another small pool near the door. Cragen called CSU while Elliot cleared all of the rooms. None of the other rooms had been disturbed, but lying on Olivia's bed, a small trail of blood flowing from her temple almost to her chin, was Sheila. Elliot quickly holstered his gun and checked her pulse.

"Sheila! Sheila, can you hear me? Wake up!" Sheila moaned. "Get a bus over here!" Elliot called to Cragen.

"Elliot?" Sheila opened her eyes and looked around groggily.

"What happened? Where's Olivia?" Elliot asked, his tone urgent.

"I…I don't…know," Sheila's head drooped sideways and her eyes closed again.

"Paramedics are on their way, and CSU. We'll find her, Elliot."

Tears were stinging his eyes and he wiped them away furiously. No way was he going to let himself start bawling over this. They were going to find the guys that did this and Elliot was going to kick the shit out of all of them. When the paramedics arrived for Sheila, Elliot rode with her in the ambulance. Once the doctors had finished with her, they let Elliot into the room to talk to her.

"How're you feeling?" He asked.

"Fine, but that's not what you really want to know," she said, sitting up on the bed.

"Do you remember anything?"

"I was sleeping. I heard a loud bang and Olivia shouted, then something smashed, I think it was the lamp. Before I could open the door someone came into the room and the last thing I can remember is getting hit in the head with a pipe of some sort."

"Did you see the guy's face?"

"No, it was dark and he was wearing a ski mask."

"Did you hear them say anything?"

"One of them said 'hold her arm', but that was it. Just Olivia shouting and a lot of banging around."

"Any idea how many there were?"

"No, but there was at least three. Just before the guy hit me I heard one of the other guys say 'hold her arm', so he must have been talking to a third guy. You have to find her, Elliot. I've already lost my parents once, I can't lose her."

"Trust me, I don't want to lose her either. We're doing everything we can to find her. Just rest; she'll be back before you know it."


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Olivia opened her eyes slowly. At first she couldn't see anything, but after a few minutes her eyes adjusted to the light, or lack thereof, but she couldn't really make out anything useful (other than being tied up it some strange room, that is). Her head was pounding painfully and her neck and arms were stiff and sore. Her wrists and ankles were bound and the rope was sharp against her bare skin. She was wearing shorts and a tight t-shirt, which she was sure she hadn't been wearing before being attacked.

"Is there anyone in here?" Olivia asked calmly, speaking into the darkness. From what she could tell the room was very small, so when no one answered and she didn't hear anyone moving or even breathing, she decided she was alone. "Alright, just relax. Think."

It had been late when someone had knocked on her door. Sheila had been sleeping in her bed because she had come over in a bout of extreme depression and Olivia had insisted she spend the night. At first she panicked, remembering Sheila asleep in her room, but then she played the scene back in her mind. She had opened the door because the man outside had claimed to be a detective investigating Kyle's case and, like a rookie idiot, Olivia hadn't even asked to see his badge. Three men had barged in, two of them in ski masks, the other with a very unremarkable face that she could barely remember. They had overpowered her, despite her struggles, and she had fallen, hitting her head off the coffee table. Luckily the two men holding her had fallen, too, giving her the chance to get away, but she couldn't leave Sheila, so the third man had sliced her cheek and her arm with a tiny knife. She had been overpowered once more and they had injected something into her arm. After that, everything was blank. She was pretty sure they hadn't hurt Sheila, but she couldn't help the fear that rose in her chest.

The door to the small room opened and Olivia turned away from the blinding light that flooded in. When the door closed again so only a small fraction of light came through, she turned her head to look at the man who had identified himself as a detective. She felt intense rage towards him. "Morning, Detective. Feeling better?"

"You son of a bitch."

"Language, Detective, language."

"What the hell do you want from me?"

"From you? Nothing, really. You're worth a lot of money to your squad and I plan on taking full advantage of that."

"How did you know about Kyle?"

"You know, Detective, if you were a little smarter you would realize getting information from me isn't in your best interest. If I'm going to get a ransom out of you I'll have to give you back alive. You've already seen my face, and that alone could cost you your life, do you really want to give me more reasons to kill you?" His voice was very calm and, though she couldn't actually see his face, she knew his expression was blank. "Now, I came here to feed you, but if you're going to be nasty I might just change my mind. Because you know, I can make this really quite pleasant for you, or I can strip away your soul and make you want to crawl under a rock and die. It's your choice."

Olivia was silent, and for several minutes neither of them spoke, then the man nodded. "Alright, I didn't expect you to strike up a conversation. Here." He held up a fork for her. At first she didn't want to eat it, mostly because she had no idea what it was, but when she smelled the ranch dressing and heard her stomach growl she reluctantly stripped the food off the fork with her teeth. It tasted better than she expected. Her kidnapper continued to feed her until the salad was gone. "A thank you would be nice."

"You're right, it would," Olivia said, but she didn't say anything else.

"Fair enough. I did kidnap and tie you to a chair. Not to mention that nasty cut on your face, I really am sorry about that; you have a beautiful face. I'll see you in a few hours." He left and Olivia tried to see what was outside of the room, but the light hurt her eyes too much. She had no idea what to make of her situation now. When he said he could destroy her…'No, don't think about that,' she told herself.

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"We found plenty of hair and blood samples in Olivia's apartment. There were two unknown male hairs, but DNA isn't in the system. The blood on the coffee table was Olivia's, so was the blood by the door. Judging by the hair we found in the sample from the coffee table, she probably hit her head. None of this means that she's severely injured, Elliot," O'Halloran said.

"None of it tells us where she is, either," Elliot said angrily. "What are we gonna do about the ransom?" He asked Cragen.

"Elliot, we're not authorized to pay ransoms, you know that," Cragen said reluctantly.

"It's Olivia! I don't give a damn about authorization, she's my partner!" He was shouting at Cragen now.

"Which is exactly why you're not thinking straight and why I'm letting you get away with this kind of behaviour. But pull yourself together fast or I'm gonna take you off this case completely."

Elliot was shocked. He shook his head in disbelief. "You can't do that!"

"Yes, I can. So smarten up."

"We gotta get her back, cap," Elliot said.

Cragen nodded. "And we will. Keep a cool head and do your job; we'll find her."

When the phone finally rang again Elliot nearly jumped out of his skin. "Stabler," he said when everyone was ready.

"You're tracing this call," the distorted voice on the other end said. When Elliot paused, the kidnapper laughed. "Relax, detective, I know you're tracing this call and I'm not angry. You won't find this phone, I guarantee it. Do you have the money?"

"Let me talk to Olivia," Elliot said, trying to keep his voice calm and steady.

"She's fine. We've been taking good care of her. Isn't that right, Olivia?"

"I'm fine, Elliot," Olivia's voice came through the phone, bringing some relief to Elliot and the others.

"Do you have the money?"

"Yeah. Where do you want us to meet you?"

"Just you, Elliot. No cops, or I'll slit her throat. I'll fax you directions in one hour." There was a click as the call ended.

"He won't pay you," Olivia said when her kidnapper hung up the phone.

He shrugged. "Then one of two things will happen: either I'll slit your throat and toss you in the river, or I'll let my friends have a turn with you, clean you up and let you go. I'm still deciding which one I think is worse. After all, why kill you when I can really make you suffer?" He put his hand on her cheek and she jerked her head away. He just laughed.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

As the deadline got closer, Elliot became more and more agitated. They had no evidence and no leads. The call had been traced to a pre-paid phone that had probably been tossed into the river for all they knew. The instructions were to a warehouse by the pier. Elliot was supposed to bring the money alone and hand it over to the kidnapper. He couldn't be going alone, of course, Fin would be hiding in the trunk of his car, like he had once done on a kidnapping case with Warner. He was still worried, though; this guy didn't sound like an amateur. He hoped he was wrong.

When the time finally came for Elliot to meet the kidnappers, he was practically a nervous wreck. He'd never been so stressed out about a case before and he hated the feeling. "Chill, man, we're gonna get her back," Fin said when they pulled over. He got out of the passenger seat and crawled into the trunk. He hid as far back in the trunk as he could with his gun held infront of him. Elliot just nodded and closed the trunk.

There was already a man waiting in the lot when Elliot pulled up. It was the middle of the night, but he could still make out the dark figure. He turned off his engine and stepped out of the car. When the kidnapper didn't move or say anything, he popped the trunk and got out the money. Fin gave him a solemn nod and Elliot left the trunk open slightly so Fin could get out if things went bad.

"Close the trunk," the kidnapper shouted as Elliot approached. He faltered for a minute, unsure of what to do. The kidnapper repeated the command.

"It's just the trunk, what does it matter?" He called.

"Your partner's life is in my hands. If it's really just a trunk it shouldn't matter." Now Elliot had no choice. He walked back to the trunk and slammed it shut.

"Where's Olivia?" Elliot called, slowly approaching the front of the car again.

"Hand over the money."

"No, not till I see Olivia."

He held up a walkie-talkie and tossed it to Elliot, who caught it in one hand. "Liv?" He said into the device.

"I'm safe, Elliot," Olivia's voice crackled through the walkie-talkie.

"Where are you?"

"Against the rules, detective," the kidnapper said. Olivia didn't answer.

"Toss the money and you'll get your partner back," the kidnapper said.

"How do I know you'll tell me where she is?"

"You have to trust me. Hand it over or she's dead."

"I want to see her."

"I'm losing patience, Detective," he said angrily.

"Alright, alright, here." He tossed the duffle bag to the kidnapper. It landed a few feet infront of him, so he approached it cautiously.

Fin had crawled out of the trunk by then. The back seat could be pushed down to create more space in the back, and Elliot had left the seat unhitched so Fin could push it open, in case something went wrong. Now they were both glad they had been overly cautious. Fin kept low in the car as he slowly opened the door just a little, then slid into a hunched sitting position, so he could get out if he needed to. As he watched, the kidnapper bent down slowly, gun held at the ready in his hand. He opened the duffle bag and sifted through the money, which actually consisted of impressive counterfeit bills along with about 50,000 in real cash.

The kidnapper closed the bag with a quick nod, then rose slowly and started walking backwards. "When I'm gone, my friends will release Olivia. She's been given directions to this location."

"Wait, you can't just leave, tell me where she is!" Elliot said, walking towards the man. He shook his head.

"Against the rules, Detective!"

"I don't give a crap about your rules, tell me where my partner is!"

"I noticed. Considering the money in here is fake." He fired at Elliot. Fin dove out of the car and fired his own gun, but he missed by inches as the kidnapper fled.

Fin raced to Elliot, who had been shot in the shoulder. "Go after him!" Elliot shouted, so Fin left him reluctantly and chased after the perp. It didn't take long for him to realize that the perp had vanished.

"Bastard got away," Fin said, heading back towards Elliot, who was sitting up, leaning against the car. He had already called a bus.

"Well that was a fucking bust," Elliot said, his anger rising dangerously. He looked down at the walkie-talkie in his hand. The other end had gone silent. With his good arm he threw it as hard as he could.

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"What's taking him so long?" One of the kidnappers said. He was rocking back on the balls of his feet in anticipation.

"Relax, he's not goin' to the ATM," the other man said.

Olivia felt sick with her own anticipation. They had her tied up and her hands were cuffed. The plan was to take off the cuffs and jump in their car while she untied the ropes binding her to the chair, then she was to make her way to the lot where Elliot was waiting for her. She tried to think of a way she could get out of the ropes before the kidnappers could get away, but it was impossible. Maybe they would forget the walkie-talkies and she could talk to Elliot, but he still wouldn't get to them in time. She didn't even know what their car looked like, after all.

"Get in the car," the leader shouted as he entered the warehouse. "No! Leave the cuffs, we're taking her with us."

"No! You have to let me go!"

"Man, what the hell happened?"

"The money's fake, Elliot tried to come after me. I shot him and his partner came after me but I'm pretty sure I lost him." He was breathing heavily. They untied Olivia from the chair and she tried to fight back, but there were three of them and she was cuffed, so they overpowered her easily and forced her into the trunk of their car. She fought against the cuffs but it was no use.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

Olivia managed to kick out the tail light in the car, but her hands were tied behind her back, and it was unlikely to be seen since it was the middle of the night. She cursed several times under her breath, then fell silent. The kidnapper had shot Elliot, at least that's what he said. Was Elliot okay? Someone had shot at her kidnapper, so obviously someone had been with him. But it only took one well aimed shot to kill someone, and if the bullet hit an artery it wouldn't matter if someone called a bus, he'd be dead. The thought brought tears to Olivia's eyes and she cursed her helplessness.

In the trunk, Olivia had no way of knowing how much time was passing. They'd taken her watch, but even if they hadn't she would have no way of looking at it. Finally, after what seemed like hours, but was probably no more than half an hour, the car came to a halt. Olivia waited for the trunk to open and kicked out hard. One of the henchmen, as she referred to them, doubled over in pain, clutching his stomach. The other henchman held her down and the leader punched her hard in the face. Olivia let out a gasp of pain, but otherwise kept her expression neural. It would leave a bruise, but that was the least of her problems.

The three men pulled her roughly out of the trunk and practically dragged her up the driveway. They had stopped infront of a small cottage; obviously they had been driving for a while. She was lead around to the back of the cottage, nearly tripping several times in the dark. She head the creaking of the cellar door before she actually saw it. They forced her down the stairs into the cold, damp darkness. When she finally reached the bottom the dingy light came on and she could see everything in the small cellar. There were two armchairs, a loveseat and a single bed. The leader of the group sat down on the loveseat and his henchmen forced Olivia down next to him.

"Comfy?" He asked, smiling.

"Fuck you," Olivia snapped.

"Careful what you wish for." A chill ran down her spine, but she didn't let it show. "Give us some time alone," he told the other two men, who were still wearing their masks, and they left without a word.

"What do you want?" Olivia asked.

"I wanted money, but apparently you're not worth much to your squad." She couldn't help the sting she felt, but she knew that wasn't true. They weren't authorized to pay ransoms and she knew it. "Now I guess I have to decide what to do with you."

He stood up and walked over to the tiny fridge humming in the corner. He opened it and took out two beers. "Want one?"

"Sure, I'll just hold it in my teeth," Olivia said sarcastically. He just smiled and kicked the fridge door closed. He set the beers down on the floor and pulled the keys to the handcuffs out of his pocket.

"Can I trust you to be good? Because I guarantee you're not getting out of here, even if you kill me." Olivia turned to give him access to the cuffs. He unlocked them and tossed them on the floor, then handed her a beer, which she opened with her teeth. "See? Just because I kidnapped you doesn't mean we can't be civil."

"So what, we play poker for a few hours and then you slit my throat?" She took a sip of beer.

"You know how to play Rummy?" She rolled her eyes and he smiled. "You're right, this is far from conventional, but I haven't decided what to do with you yet. Why not be civil for the time being?"

"Because you're the jackass who kidnapped me," she said viciously.

He sighed and shook his head sadly. "Really, Olivia, what good is that mouth going to do you now?"

"What the hell do you expect from me? Dinner table conversation?"

"Well if that's how you feel I could just tie you up and let you rot down here in the dark," he said with a shrug.

Olivia sighed and took another mouthful of beer. "Can you at least tell me your name?"

"Jack," he said.

"The door locked?"

"Yes. And my friends are waiting outside, just in case. You find this disturbing, sitting here with me?"

"It's unsettling."

"What do you think I should do with you?"

"Let me go."

Jack laughed. "Of course, of course. But tell me, Olivia: the things you see everyday, the people you talk to, the victims…does it ever get to you?"

"All the time."

"What would you do if you were in their shoes."

"Fight like hell," she said casually.

He laughed again. "No, I meant after the fact. Quit your job? Crawl under a rock and hide? Cry all night because you can't sleep? Eat your gun, maybe?"

"I don't know."

"What if I told you that you have a choice. Right here, right now." Olivia eyed him suspiciously, but she was silent. "Would you rather find out the answer to my question, or taste metal?" Again Olivia was silent. Jack shrugged and took a mouthful of beer.

"You're enjoying this."

"Of course. Your partner screwed me over. All he had to do was hand over the money and you'd be free. Now he has to pay for his mistake."

"Why me?"

"I'd rather do you than your partner," he said with a shrug.

"Why target us? Why kill Kyle?"

"I didn't kill Kyle, one of my friends did. Couldn't control himself, dumb bastard. I wasn't that angry, we needed to leave town, anyway. But we decided to take advantage of the opportunity it provided, to get some money and maybe have some fun. It didn't happen the way I'd hoped, but I'm not that surprised."

"Why did he kill Kyle?"

"That's really all you care about? Fine. He's a sociopath, he can't control himself. I provide shelter from the law for him, and in return he promises not to kill anyone without my approval. It's my fault, really, he's been on a tight leash lately and I should have known he would lose control eventually."

"You mean it was just a stupid coincidence?" Olivia wondered how much worse this could get. Then she thought about Jack's words and felt another chill run down her spine.

Jack finished his beer and stood up. He tossed the bottle into a garbage can and headed for the stairs. "There's a bathroom through the door over there, and some food in the fridge. Make it last. Enjoy your stay, Detective."


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

Olivia finished her beer and considered having another one but decided against it. The last thing she needed was something clouding her judgement. She checked the door at the top of the stairs tentatively, and found it locked. Someone outside banged a couple times on the door when they heard the noise she made, letting her know that there was in fact someone keeping an eye on her. She sighed and went back to her strange prison. There wasn't much food in the fridge, but she could probably make it last a few days if she needed to. The bathroom was tiny but it wasn't as filthy as she expected. There was no shower, but she wouldn't have used it if there was one. She would never be voluntarily naked in this room.

With no hope in sight of escaping, Olivia found her thoughts drifting to Elliot. She couldn't shake the fear that had gripped her since hearing about her partner being shot. What had Jack said? He had been with a partner. Well, he wasn't supposed to bring anyone at all, so it was probably only one cop. Maybe he had hidden someone in his trunk, like he had once done in a kidnapping case. And apparently someone had shot at Jack and then chased after him. He had lost whoever it was, though, which made Olivia think maybe Jack had had a head start. So maybe whoever he was with had stopped to check on Elliot. So maybe he was fine. That was a lot of maybes - too many for Olivia to believe. Tears stung her eyes again and she wiped them away furiously. She though about how satisfying it would be to drive her fist into the wall, but the walls were most likely concrete, and even if they were thin enough to put her fist through it wouldn't do her any real good. She wasn't Elliot, after all. The thought brought more tears to her eyes and this time she just let them fall.

And what about Kyle? After all that had happened, he had been killed by some idiot who couldn't control himself, who needed a victim of opportunity? After all that had happened, _that's_ how it ended? It was infuriating. But Olivia wondered if it really made a difference. If it had been some big conspiracy, if there had been a real reason, would she feel any less angry about it? Would she feel any less cheated? She doubted it. He was gone, he wasn't coming back, and that's all there was to it. And on top of all that, she would probably die long before these men could be brought to justice, if they were ever brought to justice at all.

It took a long time, but eventually Olivia drifted into fitful sleep on the couch. She dreamt of Elliot being shot and dying in her arms. It was a nightmare she'd had before on occasion, but this time it seemed more vivid, more painful. She could hear Jack laughing as he dragged her away from his dying form. He took her to her apartment and led her into her bedroom. They started to kiss, as if she didn't know who he was, but it turned bad quickly. She wanted him to leave. She wasn't ready, she told him, but he didn't listen. He came at her like animal.

Olivia awoke with a start and realized she had heard the cellar door open. She caught a glimpse of light before the door closed again and Jack appeared at the bottom of the stairs, nothing but a black form in the shadows. "Morning, sunshine."

"What time is it?" She wondered how she could care at all about such trivialities.

"Little after 9," he said, pulling a beer out of the fridge and sitting down. Olivia noticed that his demeanour had changed. Normally he was very light, quick to joke, always smiling. Now he seemed angry; he barely acknowledged her. This couldn't be good. "Have a beer."

"It's too early for me."

"Have a beer," he repeated tonelessly. Olivia took a beer out of the fridge and sat down on the loveseat, as far away from him as she could get.

"Go on, have a drink." Olivia bit off the top and took a sip. It was cheap beer and it made her empty stomach churn, but it wasn't worth getting Jack angry over. She had other, much bigger problems with him. "The cops are looking for us."

"You're surprised?"

"We're leaving tonight. I'm gonna make this clear right now: put up a fight and I'll start slicing off body parts. Got it?" Olivia nodded grimly. If it were only Jack she might risk an escape, but he had two other strong men with him, she would have no hope of getting away from them. She hated giving in to them, but she had no choice. What she had to do know was stay alive. She would only fight when it came time to defend her life, because that was the only time it would actually be worth it. What hurt the most was knowing she would never get away, even then.

He finished his beer quickly and headed back up the stairs and outside. Olivia listened carefully and heard the lock click. She gulped down the rest of her beer and threw the bottle at the opposite wall, where it shattered. In hindsight it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do, because now she would have to avoid the glass shards, but it didn't matter. One more day and she would be tied up in a trunk again, making this place look like paradise.

Many boring hours later, the men came down to take Olivia to the car. They cuffed her hands behind her back and one of them had a rope. They took her up the stairs and into the cool night air. They tied her legs loosely, just tight enough that she couldn't get it off, then carried her to the car and put her in the trunk. It was hard and uncomfortable, but she decided it could be worse, especially considering what was coming. "Kick out the tail light again and I'll come back here with a knife," Jack warned her before slamming the trunk shut, plunging her into total darkness. She was disappointed to see that it was a different car, with valid plates and perfectly functioning lights. No reason to be pulled over. Dammit.

Fear grew and festered in Olivia's stomach, and the pain of being tied up in the tiny space was getting slowly worse, but still the motion of the car eventually put her to sleep. When she awoke again they had stopped. She heard a muffled noised and realized they were putting gas in the car. She quickly rolled onto her back, or at least as far as her cuffed hands would allow her, and kicked the door of the trunk hard. It opened promptly and Jack just smiled at her. "Did you really think we'd risk stopping at a gas station? Really, it's amazing how your reasoning skills just go right down the drain in situations like this. Doesn't being a detective require a cool head under pressure?" He shook his head and closed his eyes, and she imagined him saying 'tsk, tsk, tsk.' He closed the trunk and in a few minutes they were driving again.

The next time they opened the trunk they were deep into the woods, though Olivia had no idea where they were. She could tell that it was dawn, so they'd obviously been driving all night. That scared her. The odds of her finding her way out of the woods and back to New York were so slim she almost felt a tiny crack appear in her already fragile heart. Hopelessness had been clawing at her since the day she had woken up in the darkness, and now it threatened to engulf her completely. She tried hard not to cry as they untied her and led her away from the car and towards yet another tiny cottage.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

The squad wouldn't admit it, but they were beginning to lose hope. Neither Fin or Elliot could remember the man's face. He had the sort of face that just slipped through your memory like water through your fingers. They hadn't seen the car or even heard it. They had found the walkie-talkie in a warehouse not far from the lot where Elliot and Fin had met with the kidnappers, but there were no prints on it and there was no evidence in the warehouse. These men apparently knew how to cover their tracks.

Every cop in the city and many outside the city were on the lookout for Olivia, but so far there was nothing. Without a description of the kidnappers or a car, there was little they could do. They had turned over every rock they could find, and now all they could do was wait and hope for the best. It was hard on all of them, but it was killing Elliot and Sheila. Cragen had ordered Elliot to take time off, assuring him that he would be the first to hear any news involving Olivia. Now Elliot was sitting at home, drinking beers with Sheila. She had wanted to talk about Olivia, and Elliot had happily obliged. Kathy had left them alone to talk, knowing she would only feel awkward and out of place with them.

"Are they ever going to find her?" Sheila asked miserably after a long silence.

"They're amazing detectives."

"Don't patronize me. I want the truth."

"We're out of leads. Unless someone sees her and recognizes her, there's nothing we can do," Elliot said, equally as miserably.

"This sucks, it's not fair! I finally find her, just in time for her to help me through my father's death, and now she's gone. There's so much more I want to know." She wiped her tears angrily.

"This isn't easy for me, either, but…" He knew the words would taste filthy in his mouth, "there's nothing we can do."

Sheila just let her tears flow. She felt like she had been cheated in the cruellest way. Not only were both of her parents gone, but one had been murdered, her biological mother, whom she'd just found, was gone and to top it all off her relationship with her fiancé was on the rocks. More than ever she wanted to drink herself into oblivion, but she knew that would never happen; she was only on her second beer and she already felt ill, so she wouldn't have another.

SVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVU

The cabin was just as small as Olivia had expected from outside. There was very little furniture, but that didn't matter because once again she was taken to the cellar. This time the cellar was cold and there was nothing more than a mattress. "There's no bathroom," Olivia noted as she looked around, the light hanging just over her head.

"Better go now, then," Jack said. He took her back upstairs and unlocked her cuffs. By now he had accepted that she wouldn't fight back, though they were all still on guard. She was thankful they didn't feel the need to follow her into the bathroom. It was slightly bigger than the last one, with a small shower in the corner, and she wondered if she would use it, given the chance. She had showered shortly before being kidnapped, but she'd been with them for over 3 days and was starting to miss her shower at home more than ever.

While Olivia was washing her hands she couldn't help staring at the window. Maybe once upon a time she might have been able to fit through it, but there was no way in hell she was going to fit her hips through that tiny space now. She opened it and poked her head and arms out, breathing in the fresh country air around her. She hadn't been out of the city in a long time, and it felt good to get away from it. 'Right, just pretend it's a pleasant vacation, that'll make this all better.'

She heard the door open behind her, but she made no move to pull her head back inside. "What the hell are you doing?" She recognized the voice of one of Jack's men, still hiding his face from Olivia. She wondered distantly whether that was a good sign or whether he was just paranoid.

"Enjoying the fresh air," Olivia replied honestly.

"Yeah, right, you were trying to escape!"

"Leave her be, she can't fit through that window. If she could I wouldn't have let her in here alone. And besides, we can't really fault her if she was trying to escape, she'd be stupid not to seize an opportunity like that. Get out." The other man left without a word, leaving Jack alone with Olivia.

"I really was just enjoying the fresh air, I know I can't fit through here."

"I believe you," Jack said, resting a hand on Olivia's shoulder and looking out the window with her, as if they were old friends.

"This is our last stop, isn't it?"

"My men and I will most likely continue on when the heat dies down. But yes, I think this is where it has to end for you."

"Do you think this is more humane, letting me live this way?"

"I suppose you think it's cruel."

"As a matter of fact, I do. It's like a butcher with a pet pig, only I'm not a dumb animal." 'I kind of wish I was at this point,' she thought miserably.

With such speed and precision Olivia didn't even have time to blink, Jack flipped open his pocket knife and had it firmly against Olivia's neck. "I could end it right now if that's really want you want."

Olivia couldn't even breathe, she was so shocked and terrified. Her mind was screaming 'No, this can't be it, not now!' but she silenced it. "Go ahead," she challenged him.

There was a brief moment when Olivia was afraid he was actually going to do it. Then he let his arm drop and shoved her away so roughly she nearly fell, recovering her balance just in time. "It's not the time yet. This place might be virtually untraceable, but I don't need your blood all over to clean up. Your death isn't something to be taken lightly, despite what my men might think. Enjoy your time in the country while you have the chance. And stop questioning what little good fortune you have left."


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

'Good fortune my ass,' Olivia thought as she sat in the cold cellar 3 days later, staring at the blank wall. She had been given food and water, and was allowed out every few hours or so to use the bathroom, but she spent the rest of her time wallowing in hopelessness, fear and utter confusion. She had made use of the tiny sink in the bathroom to rinse her hair, but she was probably only a day away from giving in and taking a shower. Just as she was staring at the beer bottle on her hand, thinking about the jagged edges it would have if she broke it and what she could do with them, she heard a loud bang upstairs. At first she was going to just ignore it, until she heard another bang, and then the unmistakeable sound of a gunshot. She stood up, smashing the beer bottle against the wall just in case. She waited for a long time, but no one came down the stairs and there was no more noise. For a while she wondered if she was alone in the house, but she heard the distinct groan of the floorboards above her.

Eventually Jack came downstairs. "Made yourself a weapon, I see. Going to use it?" Olivia shrugged, not even caring anymore. She didn't ask Jack about the noise and he didn't offer any explanation. He led her upstairs and she walked into the bathroom, but not before noticing that only one of his henchmen stood guard by the door. Normally should wouldn't be suspicious, but she had been keeping track of them lately, now that they had given her watch back, and she knew their schedule. It was now 5 o'clock, and neither of them took breaks at 5 o'clock, they always had very strict schedules from what she had seen. The next thing she noticed was that he wasn't wearing a mask anymore, and she could see every detail of his face.

'One of them is dead,' Olivia thought, barely daring to believe it. 'One of them is dead and now they're going to kill me. The other guy knows it so he's ditched the ski mask.' Soon they would have no reason to keep her alive, though she still didn't know what had been keeping her alive for so long.

She thought quickly, weighing her options. She might be able to get downstairs to grab the broken bottle, but she wouldn't be able to bring it upstairs, and she would be cornered if she tried to use it downstairs. She also wouldn't have the element of surprise, standing downstairs like a cornered animal, brandishing her makeshift weapon that would most likely be rendered useless within seconds. But maybe she could injure Jack enough to give her a fighting chance before his henchman came down. After all, she would have a better chance against one at a time armed than against both of them without any weapon.

She washed her hands slowly, almost laughing at the mundane task. If all went well they would only be caked in blood, and eventually dirt from the woods. If all went to hell, it wouldn't matter if her hands were clean because her flesh would be rotted away, forcing the ME to use dental records to identify her. The thought sent a shiver down her spine, but she pushed it aside. That really didn't matter now. The frigid air flowing through the window was what worried her right now, because if she somehow made it out of the cabin, there was no telling how far she would have to travel through the woods to find civilization.

Finally she gave up scrubbing her hands, which were starting to shake, and dried them quickly. She took a deep breath, swallowed a sob, and stepped out of the bathroom. Jack smiled. "Thought you were trying to skin your own hands in there." She managed a weak smile as he took her back downstairs. She saw the bottle that she had left, poised at the perfect angle for her to grab. "Sorry I don't have any cards, it must be dull down here. Just…"

But he never finished his sentence. Olivia had poised every muscle in her body, drowning out his words with raw adrenaline, and suddenly she struck like a snake, seizing the bottle and stabbing him hard in the stomach. He doubled over in pain and shock as she tugged the bottle away. She lunged again but he grabbed her wrist, twisting it painfully, but every muscle in Olivia's body was buzzing with so much electricity she didn't even notice the searing pain or hear the small 'crack'. She kneed him hard in the groin and brought both fists down on his back, unable to reach his neck as he doubled over again. He drove his body into her and she had to fight hard to stay on her feet.

The other henchman came down the stairs just as Olivia twisted away from Jack and tried to grab her, but she was ready this time. She jabbed the bottle hard into his neck and he fell back with a strangled cry of pain, but not before he sliced her shoulder with his small blade. She didn't have time to register the sharp pain from the knife because Jack was up and he wrapped his arms around Olivia's neck. She grabbed both of his arms in her hands, trying to free herself. She held on tightly to his arms and, using them for leverage, kicked him hard in the knee. He grunted in pain and his grip loosened just enough for Olivia to force his hand away, her lungs screaming for air. She gabbed the bottle she had dropped and had a split second to decide whether or not to risk running up the stairs. Deciding against it she turned and brought her right fist down hard against the back of Jack's neck. He fell, his head snapping back painfully.

The henchman was getting up now, clutching his bleeding neck in horror. She kicked him hard in the gut, sending him back into the concrete wall, and raced up the stairs. Her fingers fumbled with the lock on the cabin door, but the footsteps she heard on the stairs and pain suddenly creeping into her from her wounds made her whole body tremble and she knew she wouldn't get the door open in time. Brandishing her weapon again and whirled around, using her momentum to propel her fist into the side of Jack's head.

He was already disoriented and in pain, so he lost his balance and fell on all fours. The adrenalin was slowly draining from Olivia, seeing him helpless in front of her. She had held her gun on countless perps before, but she had killed surprisingly few, and she had never actually wanted to kill anyone. Now more than ever she didn't want to kill Jack, no matter what he had done. Because right now there was no gun in her hand, only a jagged bottle and her own fear-fuelled strength. This time she wouldn't have gun powder to remind her of what she'd done, she was have his blood. But she had always fired her gun because it was necessary; because if she didn't, someone would die, and that someone would most likely be her. Now was no different, because if Jack was allowed to live he would come after her. And even if he didn't, he would go after someone else, and she would always be afraid of him returning. Olivia faltered.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

Tears were burning tracks down Olivia's cheeks and her whole boy was trembling as she fought back sobs. In her moment of hesitation, of complete and utter confusion, Jack seized his opportunity. He grabbed her leg and she fell onto her back, the wind knocked out of her and her head hitting the floor painfully. He climbed on top of her, pinning her hands down. She fought hard against him, screaming – not because it would help her, not because she wanted to, but because some instinct she had never before experienced (and hoped never to experience again) had seized her now and the sounds they both made were pure, raw animal sounds.

Jack managed to take the bottle from her and hold down her hands, taking advantage of her injury. The pain wasn't masked as much by adrenaline now and moving her hand was excruciating. She tried to kick him but he hand her legs pinned firmly beneath his own. He got a firm grip on the jagged bottle and was lowering it to her neck. Olivia thrust her hips up with as much strength as she could manage and Jack was thrown forward. Olivia, hands now free, drove both fists hard into his gut, knocking the wind out of him. She grabbed the bottle, which had rolled away from him and attacked his throat viciously. She continued to strike, heavy sobs racking her body, mixing with her screams of animal fury until she finally lost the strength in her limbs and collapsed to the floor next to Jack. She drifted on the edge of consciousness for a minute, until the warm blood flowing from Jack's neck reached her hand and she scrambled to her feet in horror and disgust.

Jack's throat was a bloody, shredded mess. His eyes were open in a permanent stare of shock and terror. He looked as if he'd been attacked by an animal. 'He was,' Olivia thought. She stood up and opened the door with still shaking hands and threw up outside. It was then she realized there was blood flowing down both arms. One stream was coming from the wound on her shoulder, and the other was coming from a gash on her neck, where Jack had cut her with the bottle clumsily as he fell. She put her hand on the neck wound and, very reluctantly, went back into the house. She wasn't done here, and the thought churned her stomach again.

The henchman was still in the cellar, and Olivia descended the steps slowly, the bloody weapon still clutched firmly in her hand. The man was curled on the ground, whimpering. It was pathetic. "Tell me your name," Olivia said, her voice hoarse.

"Ch…Chris M…McKenzie," he said, struggling to speak. Whether it was from fear or whether his injury was really that bad, Olivia wasn't sure, and she didn't care.

"Jack, what's his full name?"

"Carner," he said, voice no more than a whisper.

"Are you the one who killed Kyle?"

He shook his head. "Jeff Shenly, shot him last night. Please. Please, just make it quick," he begged, beginning to sob. Anger gone, replaced by pain, exhaustion and sorrow, Olivia took pity on him. She grabbed his head in both hands and snapped his neck. She was surprised she could actually do it; she knew how, but obviously she had never needed to use such a skill and it was a miracle she even had the strength.

Stumbling up the stairs, carefully ignoring the sight of Jack's body as she left, Olivia trudged into the woods. Every muscle ached from exertion and receding adrenalin, her head and back hurt from falling, and the wounds in her neck and shoulder were still trickling blood down her arms. The ground was rough and she stumbled several times, scraping her hands as she grabbed onto branches in an effort to keep her balance. It was late and the sun was descending rapidly, along with the temperature. Her muscles began to shake uncontrollably as the cold seeped into her and her head was swimming. Her vision started to blur and she fell several times, bruising her knees and drawing blood from the cuts in her hands, but she kept pulling herself up. Soon the sun had disappeared completely and she started falling more often in the darkness, her fingers almost completely numb. Finally exhaustion, thirst, hunger and despair overtook her and when she fell again she had no energy left to get up, and no desire to. She closed her eyes and within seconds was unconscious.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

"Come on, dad, I wanna hold the gun, I can hunt!" Robby pleaded with his father.

"I told you, you're too young. Now settle down, you'll scare away the critters!" His father Greg told him.

Together they walked slowly through the woods, Greg holding his rifle firmly in both hands. It was barely dawn and everything was silent, the chirp of birds the only sound. Greg shushed his son and they crouched down in the bushes. "Come on, dad, I want to do it!"

"This isn't a game, son, you have to learn patience before you can shoot. Tell you what: go on up ahead and find a good spot to set up camp, then come back and get me." Robby nodded and set off. Greg couldn't deny that he was worried, but they were both wearing bright red jackets with even brighter orange stripes to identify them, just in case, so that made him feel a little better.

"Dad! DAD!!" Greg bolted towards the sound of his son's cries. He saw Robby racing towards him at top speed.

"What's wrong?" He asked, panting a little from running.

"There's something over there, on the ground, I think it's a dead body!"

"Wait here!" Greg told his son forcefully, then ran off in the direction his son had come from. Not bothering to listen to his father, Robby raced after him.

'Oh man, it really is a body,' Greg though as he approached the spot Robby had just come from. He felt sick to his stomach; a dead deer was one thing, but this wasn't an animal, it was a human being. He crouched down next to the woman and reached for her neck to check for the pulse he doubted her would find – so he nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw her look up at him.

"Robby, hurry back to the truck, call 911!" He called to his son. "Don't worry, I'll get you some help." He lifted the woman easily in his strong arms and headed back to the truck, his rifle strung over his shoulder. The woman was a dead weight in his arms, probably unconscious he figured. Poor thing looked awful, it was a miracle she was still alive. He wondered what had happened to her.

SVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVU

"No, we're not family, we just want to know if she's okay!" Greg was arguing with the nurse at the front desk when his wife Jane found him in the hospital.

"What on earth happened?" She asked.

"He found a dead body!" Robby said excitedly.

"She wasn't dead, son. We found a woman in the woods, badly hurt and this nurse won't tell me if she's alright."

"Sorry, Jane, I didn't realize this was your husband! The woman you're looking for is in 412, but I really can't let anyone but you go up," the nurse said.

"That's alright, Sara. Thanks. I'll be right back," she told Greg. She was a nurse at the hospital, so she had certain privileges that others didn't.

When she entered the hospital room she was struck by sudden recognition. She'd seen this woman somewhere before, but where? Then it hit her: this was the woman she'd seen on the news the other night, the detective from New York city. What was her name? Olivia…something. She was a long way from home now. Jane wondered what had happened to her.

Olivia moaned as she felt the pain flowing through her body and struggling to open her eyes, which felt too heavy. When her vision focused she was looking into the face of an unfamiliar woman. She was short with soft brown hair and a warm, kind smile that was reflected in her eyes. "Hey there. It's Olivia, right?" Olivia nodded slowly, then closed her eyes again, still exhausted. She noted the accent in the woman's voice but she was too tired to place it. "You're in the hospital. My husband found you out in the woods, and a good thing, too. You're from New York, right?"

"Where am I?"

"West Virginia," the woman replied.

"I need to call my partner," Olivia said, trying to sit up, but Jane pushed her back down.

"No, you need to rest."

"I need to call my partner," Olivia repeated more forcefully. Jane just sighed.

**I have no idea how far West Virginia is from New York in terms of driving time, since I don't even live in the U.S., but if I'm totally off about things, you'll have to humour me. It's a fanfic, no need for precision, lol. Anyway, hope you're enjoying the story! Still plenty more to come.**


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

Elliot nearly fell of the cot when the phone rang. He was at the precinct, sleeping in the crib after working late. Cragen was frustrated that he had come in, but burying himself in paperwork was the only thing keeping him sane, which was ironic because normally he avoided it at all costs. He fumbled for his cell phone, staring at the number. He didn't recognize it, but he could see it was long-distance. He groaned and reluctantly flipped open his cell phone. "Stabler." His voice was thick with sleep.

"Elliot…it's me," Olivia nearly sobbed into the phone, so relieved to hear his voice.

"Olivia? What happened, where are you?" Elliot jumped up, fully awake now and headed to his locker to get his coat.

"I'm in West Virginia, in the hospital." She didn't think she had the strength to explain what had happened.

With the help of Jane Olivia managed to give Elliot directions to the hospital. It would take a while for him to arrive, but she wouldn't be discharged from the hospital for a day or two anyway. Elliot scribbled down the directions, and reluctantly hung up the phone, finding it ironic that he almost hadn't answered. Then he raced into Cragen's office, struggling to get his coat on in his haste. "Taking time off, Olivia called, be back soon."

"Wait! Did you just say Olivia called?" Cragen thought he must have made a mistake.

"Yeah, she's in West Virginia, I gotta go pick her up," he said. Cragen shook his head, completely lost for words. Elliot just shook his head and raced off. "Call me at your first rest stop!" He shouted, and Elliot waved a hand on his way out to acknowledge that he had heard him.

Elliot pounded on Sheila's door five minutes later. Etienne opened the door and Elliot just walked inside. Sheila stood up, looking concerned. "Elliot, what's wrong?"

"She's alive, she called, she's in West Virginia," he said, unable to get his words out fast enough, a grin spreading over his face, mirrored by Sheila's grin.

"Are you coming?" She asked Etienne, grabbing her coat and her keys. She didn't need any further explanation from Elliot; there would be time for that in the car.

Etienne faltered for a moment, unsure, but quickly gave in and grabbed his own coat. His relationship with Sheila had been in trouble ever since Kyle had died and now she actually looked happy. He wouldn't miss out on this trip with her, even if they wouldn't be alone. "When will we arrive in West Virginia?" He asked on the way out.

"Tomorrow probably, we'll stay in a hotel somewhere on the way," Elliot replied, leading the way down the stairs and into the car. "I gotta make a stop somewhere before we leave the city, though."

He parked the car and left Sheila and Etienne while he walked into the building and checked the address scribbled on the piece of paper. He looked at the list of names and buzzed the apartment when he saw the right name. "Who is it?"

"Elliot Stabler, I'm Olivia's partner," he said into the speaker. There was no reply, but he heard the distinct sound of the door being unlocked. He pulled it open and headed upstairs, knocking on the door of the apartment he had written down.

"Uh, hi. Elliot, right? I don't mean to sound rude, but why are you here?"

"It's Shawn, right?" He nodded. "Olivia asked me to come," he said.

"Olivia? When?"

"About 20 minutes ago. She called."

"I thought…what?" He was completely confused.

"She wanted me to tell you she's alive, since she probably won't be home for a few days. I don't know how long you two have been together, or how much you care about her, and that's really none of my business, but she obviously cares enough about you to ask me to come here. She said she would have called, but she could only make one call at the time. Anyway, that's all I wanted."

"She, uh…get her to call me when as soon as she can," he said, her eyes shining with tears. Elliot nodded and left the building.

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Olivia felt better knowing Elliot was on his way, hopefully with Sheila, though she dreaded the moment when she would have to tell them what happened. The images still haunted her over and over again, and she found herself bursting into tears at random throughout the day. Once, the nurse had come to change the bandage on her shoulder and check the wound. She had commented that it was a nasty cut, and Olivia had flashed back to Jack's dead body, his neck ravaged by her own makeshift weapon, and she had burst into tears. The nurse had felt horrible, and Olivia had had to assure her that she hadn't done anything wrong (once she finished sobbing, of course).

Now it was early morning and Jane slipped into the room quietly. "Oh, you're awake. I brought you some breakfast; the food here is just awful." She set a brown bag on the table next to Olivia's bed.

"You really didn't have to do that," Olivia said, but her mouth was already watering at the sight.

"Oh, nonsense, you're never going to get better eating the garbage in this place. Go on, enjoy." She smiled that kind smile that made her eyes shine, the smile that warmed Olivia's heart as if she were a child again despite the fact the Jane was probably Olivia's age, give or take a few years.

Olivia took the bag, sitting up on her bed and pulled out the contents. Inside were various Tupperware containers with an omelette, toast accompanied by a small container of jam and fresh-squeezed orange juice that Jane had made herself. "Jane, this looks delicious, thanks!" She wolfed down the omelette hungrily, and then took her time with the toast, realizing how rude she was being.

Jane just laughed. "Relax, Olivia, we're both adults here, no need for any sort of formalities. I live with two boys, after all."

"I'm surrounded by men all day. I like to think my manners are still intact, but I'm probably kidding myself."

"It must be tough, working in such a male-dominated field."

"It's not so bad once you get to detective. It's the uniform that I really hated; they're designed to eliminate any sign of femininity."

"So what unit are you in?"

"Special Victims," Olivia said, wondering if Jane had any idea what that meant.

"Sex crimes, right?"

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

"My brother's a detective. He works homicide, but he used to work in SVU. He made it for 6 years. I can't imagine working there for a day, never mind 6 years. How long have you been working there?"

"A decade," she replied, a smile actually creeping onto her face.

"Wow," she said in true amazement. They both laughed. "So were you working a case when you were…kidnapped?" She was reluctant to ask, but she couldn't hold in her curiosity anymore.

"I really don't understand why any of it happened and it doesn't really matter to me right now," Olivia said, an edge creeping into her voice.

"I'm really sorry, I don't mean to pry. Forget I asked."

Olivia sighed. "It's okay. By the end of the week I'll have told the story about five times and written it out at least once, so I'm really not in the mood to start now. All of this, though – not just the food, just being here – I really appreciate it." Jane smiled again and Olivia felt a little warmth return to her.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27

"I need to know what room Olivia Benson's in," Elliot told the nurse behind the desk.

"Are you family?"

Elliot rummaged in his pockets and cursed when he realized he had left his badge in the car, but Sheila stepped up to the desk. "I'm her daughter, Sheila."

The nurse nodded. "Room 412."

In the elevator Elliot and Sheila could barely breathe. They couldn't bring themselves to believe it; it was too good to be true. Sheila had lost so much already; it was hard to accept that such a miracle could happen, that her mother could really have survived such an ordeal. When they reached the room she grabbed the door handle, took a deep breath, and opened the door.

Olivia smiled when she saw Sheila, looking as if she'd just seen a ghost. And that was probably an accurate description, Olivia thought, because everyone had probably assumed that Olivia was dead. "Hey," she said.

Sheila rushed towards the bed and wrapped her arms tightly around Olivia, tears finally escaping and rolling down her cheeks. "I can't believe you're alive," she said, her voice no more than a whisper.

"I can't really believe it, either," she said, smiling faintly. The cold reality of what had happened and what she had done was creeping into her again.

"What happened?" Elliot asked, sitting down on the bed next to Sheila.

"You're okay?" Ever since the night of the botched ransom, Olivia had been sure Elliot was dead, or at least lying on his deathbed. Even after hearing his voice, she had hardly dared to believe he was really alive. Now, seeing him alive and well, tears came to her eyes.

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?"

"He said he shot you."

"Oh. Yeah, he did, but he's a lousy shot. Got me in the shoulder. What about you, are you alright? What happened?"

"Can we not talk about that now?" Olivia said quietly.

Elliot nodded in understanding. "When can you leave?"

Olivia shrugged, regretting the action as pain ripped through her shoulder, but she hid it well. "I didn't ask."

"Olivia, I brought some…Oh." Jane stopped abruptly when she saw the small crowd around Olivia. She recovered quickly from her shock and smiled brightly. "Hello. Are you Olivia's family?"

"I'm her daughter," Sheila said.

"You didn't tell me you had a daughter," Jane said to Olivia, smiling even more.

"I'm still getting used to it," Olivia said. "It's a long story."

Jane looked a little confused but she didn't dwell on the subject. "Well, you're wearing a wedding band, so you must be Olivia's partner. Oh, I can't remember your name…"

"Elliot," he said, returning her smile. "And you are…?"

"Oh! Sorry. I'm Jane. I'm a nurse here, but Olivia's been sort of a VIP here. My husband was the one who found her. Might have died in the woods, poor thing…anyway, I'm sure you have plenty to catch up on, I'll just leave you be."

"I'll call you before I leave," Olivia promised. Jane hugged her and then left, flashing everyone another warm-you-from-head-to-toe smile before disappearing.

SVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVU

Everyone was standing outside the hospital, waiting for Olivia, who had been discharged from the hospital. When she came out Elliot walked up to her first. "It's a long drive. We can spend the night here and head back in the morning if you want."

"Actually, Elliot, I think I'm gonna stay here for a while."

"Uh…what do you mean?"

"I'm in no hurry to get back to New York. It's quiet here and I've never needed a vacation so desperately in my entire life."

"You want to take a vacation _here_?" Sheila said.

"I just need to get away from the city. Please, just go home. I'll be home soon."

"We can't just leave you here," Elliot said.

"Don't worry about me. What more can go wrong?" She smiled, but Elliot didn't believe her act at all. She needed time alone, though, and he knew it. Reluctantly he agreed. They all said goodbye, after Olivia turned down his offer to drive her to the nearest hotel. Sheila didn't want to leave, but Olivia assured her that everything was fine now, and Etienne coaxed her back into the car.

"Olivia? Aren't you going with your friends?" Jane came out of the hospital just as Elliot was driving away with Sheila and Etienne.

Olivia turned to Jane, then looked up at the dark clouds rolling in. "I need a vacation. Going back to the city now would drive me over the edge. They'll be alright without me. Besides…local homicide is gonna wanna talk to me."

"Local homicide?"

"There are two bodies in that cabin, maybe three depending on where they left Jeff. When they find it they'll want my statement to make sure it's consistent with the evidence. Then they'll have to give their findings to my captain before I can go back to work."

"Bodies?" Jane looked shocked.

Olivia nodded sadly. "Yeah. It was self defence, but…" She shuddered.

Jane put a hand comfortingly on her shoulder. "I've lost patients before, made mistakes that have cost people their lives. Killing someone, no matter how you do it, isn't something you get over, I understand that. But to be in that kind of situation, with my own life on the line and my whole body running on pure adrenalin? It's not the kind of thing you can just get over. But you have to remember that it's not your fault."

"You don't know what happened."

"Olivia, did you have a choice? Would they have killed you if you hadn't killed them?"

Olivia looked down miserably, knowing that Jane was right, but she couldn't help feeling sick nonetheless. "It looked like a fucking animal ate his throat."

"He would have come after you. In those woods, with those injuries, you never would have outrun him. Maybe you went overboard, but I reckon he deserved what he got. You didn't torture him right? Was he dead when most of the damage was done?" Olivia nodded. "Then you did nothing wrong. You took your anger out on a corpse, Olivia. He was a monster, and that's all that matters."

"You don't think it matters that I killed two human beings?"

"To save your own life and the lives of others? No, I really don't."

"Says the woman who's never consciously killed someone."

"You call the state you were in 'consciousness'?" Olivia just sighed and shook her head, turning away from Jane. She grabbed Olivia's arm and turned her around again. "Come on, you need a place to stay."

"I'll go to a hotel."

"Nonsense. You'll stay with my husband and I."

"Jane, you really don't have to do that, I'll be fine in a hotel."

Jane shook her head. "No, I won't allow it. Come on, my car's this way." Olivia paused for a minute, watching Jane walk away, then followed her to her car.


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28

"This is a beautiful house." Jane's house wasn't huge, but it was much bigger than anything Olivia had seen. She'd seen people who owned large apartment's with multiple floors and rooms, but this was an actual house, and Olivia, who'd lived in New York all her life, was almost in awe. It was decorated colourfully and very tastefully. The property was huge, with a barn not far from the house and several horses roaming around lazily.

"Whoa! Dad, it's the dead lady."

"Robby, don't be rude, she wasn't dead and she certainly isn't now. This is Olivia."

The little boy nodded shyly and disappeared through a hall door that probably lead to his bedroom. Jane smiled. "Sorry about that, he doesn't really think about what he's saying before he speaks. He's at that age, as they say. It's funny, they always seem to be 'at that age'."

Olivia nodded vaguely. Greg extended his hand to her, realized her right hand was in a cast, then laughed. "Guess that particular greeting won't work here. I'm Greg, Jane's husband."

"Thanks a lot for…well, saving my life, I guess." It felt strange to say.

"Oh, forget about that, anyone woulda done it. You saved yourself, really, gettin' away from those men."

"Come on, guest room's upstairs. Do you have any clothes in that bag? I'd offer you some of mine but we're hardly the same size and my wardrobe is mostly mom-on-the-go or country girl work clothes." Elliot had left Olivia a suitcase that Sheila had packed for her.

"There's probably only a couple outfits. Is there a mall around here somewhere?"

"The mall's about an hour away, depending on the traffic. Maybe we could make a day of it tomorrow, let you rest here for a day." Jane lead Olivia upstairs to the guestroom. It was small, but beautifully decorated. Olivia really didn't need much space. "I don't know how much experience you have out here in the country, but there are a few things you should know. We have a rooster, so you'll be getting up at sunrise, but he doesn't crow for very long, so you can either wear earplugs or go back to sleep once he stops. The horses are gentle as can be, and the ones that aren't broken will just leave you alone if you decided to go out to the pastures. If you do, you can grab a pair of boots from the hall closet rather that ruin your shoes. We have three dogs, two of them stay outside all the time, but one the them is an indoor dog mostly. Her name's Oreo and she's the smartest dog you'll ever meet, so don't worry about her. And everything in the house is self-serve, including the kitchen, but if you need anything feel free to ask."

"Thanks, Jane, I really appreciate this. Everything's beautiful."

"If you get bored, there's a pool downstairs you can jump in at any time. I doubt your daughter packed you a bathing suit, but the door locks if you want to go in your underwear. There's a rock wall outside the barn and the harnesses are in the tack room. And if you want to go riding just let me know. I'm around the house most of the day so I can set you up on Dixie."

"Again, thanks. I'll think I'll just relax in here for a while if that's alright." There was a small TV in the room with a VCR/DVD player and there were a few movies sitting on top of the TV.

"I'm gonna make myself some coffee. Would you like anything?"

"Tea sounds great."

"No problem. Come down in a about five minutes and I'll have it ready for you." Olivia stretched out on the bed, which was even more comfortable than her own. Five minutes later she went downstairs to the kitchen and had her tea with Jane. They talked for a long time until the sun started to set.

"Wow. That view is so beautiful," Olivia said, staring out the window at the pink and orange clouds. She nearly jumped out of her skin when she felt something wet against her hand. When she looked down there was a thin border collie looking up at her.

"That's Oreo," Jane informed her.

"What an appropriate name," Olivia said, petting the head of the black and white dog.

"Smart as a whip, too. Oreo goes with Robby into town so I don't have to worry about him. When she was a pup Robby ran away and she went with him. He was only 5 so I was terrified. He went into town and stumbled across a man robbing a jewellery store. Oreo took a bullet for Robby and managed to give the robber some nasty bites on his leg. The police caught him because of Oreo and now she's the family hero."

"Brave dog," she said absently, still stroking the dog's fur.

Jane smiled. "You've never had a pet before, have you?"

"No, I've lived in the city my whole life. Besides, I can barely keep plants alive."

"Maybe being here in the country will do you some good."

"You know, I'm glad I came here. I mean, I'm not thrilled about being stuffed in a trunk and hauled to West Virginia, but you have an amazing home." Oreo rest her head in Olivia's lap. "You've been a great friend, Jane, something I've been seriously lacking lately."

"You'll always have friends here, Olivia." They smiled and each other.


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29

Olivia slept with earplugs in to avoid being woken up by the rooster. She woke up at around 8, wearing the pyjamas Sheila had packed for her. She had a towel, too, which she took out of her suitcase and headed for the bathroom. She took a quick shower, knowing that they were probably on a well, got dressed in the bathroom and headed outside.

The backyard was beautiful. The grass was thick and emerald green. Beyond the fence she could see Jane riding a jet black horse, trotting back towards the house. "Boy, you city folks sure can sleep. Care for a ride?" She called to Olivia, bringing her horse to a stop beside the fence.

"Are you kidding me? I'd kill myself," Olivia said, approaching the fence and looking up at Jane. The horse was huge, much bigger than she'd expected.

"On Thor here you might, but Dixie's a real sweetheart."

"No thanks, I'm bruised and broken enough."

"Suit yourself." Jane dismounted the horse and tied him securely to the fence while she took off his saddle. Olivia watched while she took all of the equipment off the horse, none of which she could name or put back on if her life depended on it. Jane put everything back in the tack room, chatting with Olivia while she did. As they were heading back to the house they heard a car pull into the driveway. "I wonder who that is."

Olivia followed Jane around the house to the driveway, where a man was stepping out of his car, looking around curiously. His eyes found Olivia and he rushed towards her. "Olivia!" He wrapped his arms tightly around her and felt like he couldn't let go.

"Shawn, how did you find me?"

"Sheila gave me the number and Elliot looked up the number for me. I'm sorry I didn't call, but I had to see you."

"You came all the way out here?"

"I was already here, believe it or not. My parents don't live far from here."

"You're Erin's boy?" Jane said.

"Yeah, you know my mom?"

"She's an old family friend. I visit her all the time but I never seem to visit while you're there. We can talk later, though; I'll leave you two alone." She winked at Olivia and went inside.

"I thought I'd never see you again," he said, holding Olivia at arms length to examine her wounds. She still had light bandages covering the left side of her neck and her right shoulder. Her wrist was in a cast. Her hands were scraped raw from being in the woods, as were her knees, though they were hidden but her jeans. She had a cut on her cheek that seemed to be healing well and a light bruise on her jaw.

Olivia smiled. "I look awful."

"No. You're beautiful. Few days up here and you'll be good as new."

"To be honest I was a little worried you'd given up on me. Everyone thought I was dead."

"Well, to be honest I thought you were dead, too, but I'm not the kind of guy who goes out to a bar the minute he finds out his girlfriend's dead. When they told me what happened…God, Olivia, I didn't know what the hell I was gonna do. I didn't realize how much I cared about you until now." He slid his hands around her waist and rested his forehead against hers.

"This doesn't change anything. I don't want anything to change. It's just something that happened; I'm happy with where we are right now."

"I love you."

"See, now that's changing things," Olivia said, unable to resist the smile that came over her. Shawn just smiled and kissed her softly. "Oh, alright. I love you, too."

"I knew you'd come around. You being kidnapped didn't change anything, it just made me realize how I feel."

Olivia sighed and closed her eyes. "You might not have changed, but I have. I don't know how I'm gonna deal with this."

"If you need to talk, I'm right here."

"No, Shawn, you don't need to hear any of it."

"Nothing you can say is going to faze me."

"You haven't heard the story yet," she said, turning away. Shawn grabbed her arms gently to pull her back but she pulled away quickly, her heart rate doubling, flashing back to her battle with Jack, who shared an unfortunate resemblance to Shawn. She wrapped her arms around herself and started to cry.

"Olivia, I'm so sorry." He wrapped his arms around her and at first she pulled away, but he spoke soothingly and she let him hold her. He stroked her hair soothingly. "Tell me what happened, Liv. I'm not going anywhere."

"I killed him, Shawn. I only needed to hit him once, in the neck, but I was just so angry, I couldn't stop." Olivia was sobbing hard now and she could no longer speak. Shawn stroked her hair gently until she found her voice again. "It looked like an animal attacked him, Shawn. And I was…growling - like my humanity was gone. If I ever saw someone acting like that, even holding a gun I'd be terrified. I've killed people before, Shawn, but I've never _wanted_ to kill someone. I _wanted_ him to die."

Shawn was quiet for a while, letting Olivia cry in his arms. Finally he said, "He terrorized you, Olivia. He was going to kill you, and you did what you had to do to survive. Your anger and adrenalin were in overdrive. That's not you and we both know it."

They stood outside in the gentle breeze for a while and Olivia slowly relaxed in Shawn's arms. "It's so good to have you here."

Shawn kissed her top of her head, the scent of her shampoo driving him crazy. Everything about her was so perfect, and he never wanted to let her go again. "When are you going back to New York?"

"Once everything clears and Cragen says I can go back to work. Until then I'd rather be here than just sitting around my apartment. When are you leaving?"

"Whenever you want." He kissed her softly and she smiled.

Jane had no problem letting Shawn stay. They had plenty of room and Shawn spent a large portion of each day visiting his parents, at Olivia's insistence. She didn't want to be rude to Jane by spending all of her time with Shawn. Jane of course said it was no problem, but Olivia made Shawn leave anyway. They had nights together, after all (though Olivia felt a little awkward having sex in Jane's house, so she changed the sheets herself regularly). Jane and Olivia went to the mall and Olivia got several new outfits to get her through her vacation.

It didn't take long for the local homicide detectives to find the cabin Olivia had described, and the bodies inside. They wanted Olivia's statement and she had given it without complaint. She told them about being kidnapped and put in the trunk more than once to move to various locations. She told them about Jack's strange behaviour and his henchmen who never took their masks off. She told them, with some difficulty and a lot of tears, how she had attacked Jack, unable to stop herself when he was dead, and how she had killed Chris to keep him from coming after her. As she spoke, she became increasingly uncertain. Had killing Chris really been necessary? She hadn't been dizzy with adrenalin at that point, and she had been clear-headed enough to get information from him. What if they decided she was a murderer? As soon as she was released she went to the bathroom and threw up until her stomach was completely empty.

Back at Jane's house Olivia went straight to her room without a word to anyone. She curled up on her bed and cried silently for a long time, until her sorrow and fear carried her off to sleep. She awoke to the sound of Shawn knocking on her door and he pushed the door open slowly before she could say anything. "Hey. Jane told me what happened. Are you okay?"

Olivia nodded and stared out the window. Normally she loved staring at the stars that she had never really seen before, but at that moment she didn't care. Shawn took off his jeans and slid under the covers next to her, wrapping his arms around her. "What if they think I'm a murderer?"

"You're not. It was self defence," he whispered, kissing her neck gently.

"I didn't have to kill Chris. He was just sitting there, holding his neck, he probably would have bled to death or gone to the hospital and been arrested."

"You had no idea where you were going, you were injured, you would have been an easy target for anyone who came after you. You had to kill him, Olivia, or he might have hunted you down."

"But…"

"No. You're not a murderer, Olivia. You did what you had to do and everyone's behind you. Everything will work out fine." Before she could object he kissed her passionately and she melted under his touch, her mind racing with desire until she forgot everything.


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30

"I can't even do this with two hands, how the hell are you doing it with one?!" Jane called up to Olivia, slightly out of breath as she tried to reach higher.

Olivia laughed. "You need more practice!" She called down to Jane. They were climbing the rock wall together, one of Olivia's favourite activities, but Jane clearly didn't climb much. It wasn't easy for Olivia, unable to really use both arms, but she was still very strong and she enjoyed the challenge.

Olivia reached the top and looked down at Jane, who was only halfway up. She smiled and, with Shawn's help, was on the ground in a few short seconds. "You know, I could probably still beat you to the top," she called up to Jane.

"Ugh, now I know why I don't come out here. Help me down." Shawn held the rope for Jane as she let herself down slowly. She wiped her sweaty forehead with the back of her arm, breathing a little heavier than usual. "I should get out here more, I'm really out of shape."

"Can't be out of shape when you're chasing down perps on the streets of New York," Olivia said, smiling. She unhooked her harness and helped Shawn put it away. Jane did the same with her own equipment.

It had been just over a week since Olivia had given her statement. Homicide still hadn't contacted her with the results of their investigation, but with the help of Shawn and Jane, she hardly thought about it. And when she did, they were both there to help her through it. Sheila had called to say that she was going to England for a few weeks to see some old friends and then take a trip to France to see Etienne's parents.

"Three weeks? Sounds like fun," she had told Sheila.

"I almost don't want to go. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Of course. Go, have fun, get laid. I'll be fine."

Sheila had laughed. "Are you coming back to New York anytime soon?

"I'm not sure. This place is beautiful, and Shawn can work from anywhere with an internet connection, but maybe I should go back."

"Don't. You need a vacation."

"I'm going back soon, I think."

"I mean it, don't. Stay, relax, get laid."

They both laughed. Olivia assured Sheila she would enjoy her vacation for as long as she could and they said goodbye.

Elliot had also called to assure her that everyone believed in her innocence and they were all behind her. It really only served to remind her of her fears, but she was happy to hear from him, anyway.

After climbing together, Jane and Olivia spent the rest of the day watching old movies, eating popcorn and reciting quotes from their favourite movies, laughing at their overdramatic acting. Just as the sun was going down the doorbell rang. Olivia paused the movie and Jane got up to answer the door.

"So sorry to bother you, but my car broke down right outside your house and I can't figure out why. Could I use your phone?" A man just approaching his thirties was standing on the porch. Behind him Jane could see the car he was referring to. It looked almost new.

"Sure, come on in." Jane stepped back to let the man inside. She showed him to the kitchen phone and he thanked her before dialling the number.

"No answer," he told her a few minutes later.

"Car trouble? I can give you a hand," Shawn offered. He had just come down from his shower and saw the man's car in the driveway.

"That'd be great," he said looking relieved.

Shawn nodded and followed the man outside, slipping on his sneakers as he left. Jane sat back down next to Olivia and she pressed play. "Does he know how to fix a car?"

"Apparently." She shrugged.

They watched the movie for about five minutes when they heard a distant bang. "What was that?" Olivia asked, looking out the window, but she couldn't see the car from the couch.

"Sounds like they closed the hood," Jane said, not even bothering to look. Olivia sighed and turned back to the movie, accepting Jane's explanation. Until she heard the second bang, followed by the unmistakeable sound of a gunshot. Olivia stood up and jumped over the back of the couch, racing out the door just in time to see the car speeding off down the road and Shawn lying in the middle of the road.

"Shawn!" Olivia screamed, running full speed towards him and sliding on her knees, coming to a stop next to him. His eyes were wide from shock and there was a rapidly spreading stain on the left side of his chest. "Call 911!" She screamed back to Jane, who ran back into the house to make the call with shaking hands. "Shawn, hold on. Please don't leave me." She sobbed as she pressed her hands firmly over the wound in his chest, her hands turning red with his blood.

"He…said you had to…pay. Took out…his gun…"

"Shhhh, don't try to talk."

"I love you."

"No, don't say that, you don't have to say that. You'll be alright, you'll make it through this." She was struggling to keep her voice from breaking. Shawn opened his mouth to speak again but he couldn't get his words out as his eyes drifted shut. "No! Wake up, Shawn, please, you can't leave me like this!" Her tears fell onto her hands, mixing with Shawn's blood, and she could hear the sounds of a helicopter overhead. The hospital was too far away by ambulance and Shawn would have to be air lifted if he had any chance of survival. Olivia rested her forehead against Shawn's, her body shaking with sobs, her tears falling on his cheeks. She could feel him slipping away and she felt more helpless than ever before.


	31. Chapter 31

Chapter 31

Olivia stood up when she saw Elliot. He wrapped his arms around her tightly, not caring that he hands were still caked with Shawn's dried blood. She cried on his shoulder and he didn't care about the mark of her tears on his shirt, either. He cared about the pain she was feeling and about being with her when she needed him. "How did you get here so fast?" Olivia asked, trying to calm herself down.

"Got lucky with a last minute plane ticket. How's he doing?"

"He's in surgery, they won't tell me anything."

"Have the police found the guy yet?"

"No, but I gave them a description of the car and Jane and I talked to a sketch artist."

Elliot nodded. "That's all you can do right now."

"That's what's killing me." She wrapped her arms tightly around herself. Elliot put his arms around her again.

"Did Jane go home?"

"I told her to. There's no sense in her waiting here."

"Liv, you have to let people help you sometimes."

"That's why I didn't leave. Here, I got you decaf." Jane handed Olivia a coffee and she took it gratefully.

The doctor came into the room at that moment and the three of them looked at him anxiously. "He's out of surgery. He's stable, but it's too soon to tell if he'll recover. There was damage to the heart and he was touch and go in surgery. For now we'll just have to wait and see what happens."

Olivia let out the breath she hadn't realized she was holding. Relief didn't wash over her, but it came nonetheless. He wasn't dead, and that meant there was still hope. "What are his chances?" The words were out before she could stop them.

The doctor sighed. "It's too soon to tell. I'm sorry." He left and Olivia sat down in the chair again.

Later that night Elliot and Jane convinced Olivia to go back to Jane's. They were contemplating dragging her out against her will when she caved and went with them freely. "You're welcome to stay with us, Elliot, my husband and I have become quite accustomed to strays. And Olivia, you know you can stay as long as you like," Jane told them both as they drove home in her car.

"Are you sure? I can get a hotel, it's no problem."

"No, no, it's fine, we have plenty of empty rooms, and if I can't trust a detective, Olivia's partner no less, who can I trust, right?" She smiled and Elliot found it hard not to return her grin. Then he caught sight of Olivia in the mirror, her head rested against the glass and looking completely devoid of even the tiniest glint of happiness, and he quickly returned his expression to neutral.

"She'll be alright," Elliot said, more to himself than Jane.

"All this stress, all this insanity, it can't be good for her."

"I doubt it's good for anyone. But she's tough. And Shawn has to be tough to survive being with her."

"Just because I'm not participating in the conversation doesn't mean I'm not in the car," Olivia said irritably, though she wasn't exactly sure why she was so annoyed with them. 'Because the love of my life is dying and they don't feel an ounce of sorrow.' Olivia pushed the thought away. 'He's not dying. He's coming back to me.'

The concept of food was completely lost on Olivia that night. She had no desire to do anything but curl up under the covers and try to maintain her sanity. Jane showed Elliot to the room next to Olivia's where he could stay. He entertained himself by playing cards with Greg and his son Robby, who was thrilled to have yet another big city detective in his home and took every chance he got to ask Elliot about his job. Kathy wasn't thrilled that Elliot would be away from home for so long, but he called home every day and she knew Olivia needed him.

A week went by and Olivia barely left her room, much to the dismay of Jane and Elliot. "I'm really worried about her. It's not like her to just hole up like that," Elliot said to Jane.

"She's been through a lot; I don't really blame her. I'm getting worried, too, though. She really needs to eat more. Should we take her to see him? I was expecting her to insist on going back."

"She hates hospitals, probably doesn't want to see him hooked to a hundred different machines. I doubt it'll help; she'd just be starving their instead of here. At least here you have better food available."

"If she doesn't come down for dinner I'll talk to her," Jane assured him.

Olivia, as they both predicted, didn't join them for dinner. Robby was very disappointed because he wanted to talk to both Elliot and Olivia together. He wasn't sure why, it was just so cool to have them around, knowing the crazy things they must have seen and done during their career. No one knew it at that time, but Robby would grow up to be an SVU detective and, later, a captain.

Elliot offered to do the dishes with Greg, who refused outright to let a guest help with the chores, and Elliot quickly realized he was the very epitome of a southern gentlemen (he had grown up in Louisiana and still had a strong accent). Jane went upstairs and knocked softly on Olivia door. When there was no answer she slowly opened it and poked her head inside. "Olivia? Can I come in?"

"Sure," came her faint reply. She was stretched out on the bed, on her side and staring blankly out the window. The vague, glassy-eyed expression was even more terrifying then the clear misery Jane had seen yesterday, and she sat down very cautiously on the bed.

"Hun, you can't keep doing this. You need to eat, you need to take care of yourself."

"I'm not hungry."

"Clearly. You still need to try, you can't just let yourself waste away in here. Would going to visit him make you feel better?"

"No."

"Then you have to tell us how to help you because we're really worried. Come on, let's go climbing, it'll do you some good."

"No."

Jane sighed exasperatedly. "Fine. Take a little more time, clear your head, but if you aren't out of here in the next two days I'm coming in here, strapping a harness on you and dragging you out of here." There was no reaction at all from Olivia and the blank stare was starting to creep Jane out. She sighed again and left the room.


	32. Chapter 32

Chapter 32

Breathing laboured but steady, muscles working together perfectly, straining to reach higher, push harder, while the mind had nothing to do put concentrate on the task at hand – it was so perfect Olivia could cry. Rock climbing was her favourite activity and she had never needed it more. The cool night air was beginning to blow now, stinging her fingers. She should have cared, because she was on the wall alone and would not only have to reach the top, but also climb back down, without anyone to catch her if she fell, and a broken wrist without a cast (it had been removed the day before Shawn was shot at her insistence, though it was a little early). She had no idea how to rig her harness to give her at least some safety, so she hadn't bothered with it. She wasn't suicidal, just desperate – desperate to clear her head, to force her body to work so her mind wouldn't be able to. If she didn't get some kind of relief soon she would break down completely, and she considered her sanity to be worth the risk of falling.

It was almost pitch black out, but Olivia had found a spotlight next to the house and set it up so it would shine on the entire wall. The light wasn't strong, but it was plenty enough. She could see the wall as clearly as if it were daylight, now that her eyes had adjusted, and if she looked up she could see the starts that filled the sky like nothing she would ever see in the city. As she reached the top she stayed there for several minutes, then decided to do something that was probably really stupid, but she was running on nothing but impulse: she climbed onto the barn roof. Her foot slipped once, but she managed to regain her footing and pulled herself onto slanted roof. She sat with her arms resting on her knees, breathing heavily from exertion, but feeling better than she had in a long time.

Olivia, finally able to think clearly, decided not to try climbing down. There was a ladder tall enough to reach the barn roof folded up in the barn, and Jane would be up at dawn and would get Olivia down long before the heat set in. She saw the faint light spread across the horizon and dawn and watched breathlessly as the sun rose and bright colours filled the sky. The rooster crowed but Olivia barely noticed. She had never seen something so beautiful in New York and knew she would miss it terribly when she went back.

"Olivia, what are you doing up there?!" Olivia was brought out of her own thoughts by Jane's voice. She hadn't heard Jane come outside.

"Watching the sunrise," Olivia shouted down to her.

"Please tell me I'm going to walk around the barn and see a ladder somewhere," Jane said, already knowing the answer but hoping she was wrong.

"I survived," Olivia called down, shrugging.

"I guess there's no point lecturing you, since this is a big improvement over the last week," Jane said a little while later as she climbed the ladder and sat next to Olivia on the roof. "How long have you been out here?"

"About 4 hours. I came out early this morning."

"Feeling better?"

"Depends on your definition of 'better'. I've had time to think; I mean really think, not just mope."

"And…?"

Olivia shrugged. "This sucks."

Jane laughed at the blunt comment, then quickly sobered. "Sorry. I was just expecting something more…"

"Enlightened? I think getting out of bed was my enlightenment."

"Well good, you were starting to creep me out, just staring out the window like that. I actually started to miss your crying – at least that had emotion behind it."

"I guess it was just the straw that broke the camel's back, my brain just couldn't process anymore."

Jane was confused. "What straw? Did I miss something?"

"I slipped out the night before and went to the drugstore. I'm pregnant."

Jane suddenly froze. She was afraid to react the wrong way because she had no idea what the appropriate response to this news was. This wasn't something that could be soothed with kind words and Jane knew it. Finally, she settled for the truth. "I don't know what to say."

"It's just so unfair. I had a baby when I was 16 and I had to give her up, had to live the rest of my life thinking about her every day. Then I joined SVU and my relationships just went down the drain, and my hopes of ever having children went with it. I tried to adopt, a while back, and they turned me down because I work all hours and I don't have any family support. Then Sheila showed up and…it was great to have her back, really, but it just felt like some big cosmic joke. 'You can't have a baby so we'll let you have your grown-up daughter who you barely know back'. It felt like a kick in the ribs when I'm down rather than the happy reunion it should have been, which just made me feel ever more cheated because it _should have_ been the greatest day of my life. And now this. Now I get the chance to have a baby and the man I love is killed." Olivia had never felt more like crying in her entire life, but she had no tears left. Instead she felt a terrible pain in her chest and her eyes only burned. She'd felt true heartache before, but this was almost unbearable.

"He's not dead, Olivia, he could still pull through."

"Yeah, he _could_. But he might not, and every day that he's there it becomes less and less likely that he'll live. If I lose him…" It was too painful to even put into words.

Jane put an arm around Olivia comfortingly they sat together for a while in comfortable silence. Then Olivia said, "I think I want to visit him."

"After breakfast." Olivia looked at Jane for a minute and she had a hint of a smile on her face. She nodded and followed Jane inside.


	33. Chapter 33

Chapter 33

Olivia joined everyone for breakfast for the first time in a week. Elliot was thrilled to see her, though he wasn't so thrilled about her climbing the rock wall without a harness. They never made it to the hospital, though, because Jane's phone started to ring just as they were heading out. "Olivia, it's for you," she said, holding the phone out for Olivia.

"Benson," she said, taking the phone from Jane.

"Liv, we found the guy. The description and the sketch match him; the idiot was still driving the same car." It was Cragen on the other end of the line.

"Where is he?"

"Here, in New York. He hasn't lawyered up yet, but he's not talking, either. We've got a hold on him. If you want a crack at him, he's all yours."

"Thanks, captain. I'll be there as soon as I can." She hung up the phone and went back to the living room, where Jane and Elliot were waiting for her. "We're going back to New York."

"Why, what happened?" Jane asked.

"That was Cragen. The guy who shot Shawn's in New York. He's on a 24 hour hold."

Elliot nodded and stood up. Jane stood up, too. "I'll take you to the airport."

"Thanks, Jane. I'll be back soon," Olivia assured her.

"I know." They hugged tightly, then headed out the door, leaving a disappointed Robby behind.

When they finally arrived in New York they called a cab and headed straight for the station. Olivia raced up the steps, Elliot on her heels and almost collided with Cragen as she rounded a corner. "Whoa, relax, he's still here. Good to have you two back."

Cragen took a quick look at Olivia, assessing her injuries. She no longer had the cast on her wrist, but it was replaced by a tenser bandage and there was a slight bruise on her jaw that was now just barely visible. The cut on her cheek had healed, but there was still a very faint mark where it had been. She had had time to put on make-up and fix her hair on the plane, so she looked better that she had all week. "Who is he? Has he told you anything?" Olivia wasn't interested in greetings.

"His name's Jeff Shenly, he…"

"Jeff Shenly?!"

"Yeah, you know him?"

"He murdered Kyle. He was one of the men working with Jack. But…are you sure it's him?"

"I thought everyone involved in your kidnapping was dead?"

"So did I. But Chris gave me the name before I…when we were in the cabin. He told me they shot him, and I heard the shots. Why would he lie?"

"Maybe he knew telling you the truth wouldn't make a difference," Elliot said.

"Son of a bitch," Olivia muttered. She headed for the interrogation room and Cragen and Elliot watched from the other side of the glass. Neither of them would admit it, but they were a little worried she would get carried away.

"Another detective? Don't you people get it? I'm not talking." Olivia recognized his voice instantly. She hadn't recognized it at Jane's, but now that she was listening closely she heard it. This man had helped kidnap her. He had killed Kyle.

"What's the matter, Jeff, you don't recognize me? Do I need to have ropes around me?"

Jeff looked up at her and a slow smirk stretched over his face. "I'm sorry, have we met?"

"Right, if you recognize me you'd have to admit to kidnapping and murder. That's fine, we both know who you are. You wanna tell me what you were doing in West Virginia?"

"I like the scenery."

"You're not very smart, Jeff. Two eyewitness saw you outside with Shawn minutes before he was shot, and saw you drive off in the same car you were driving when you were arrested."

"Coincidence. I have a very common face, and tons of people own that model."

"Right, the universe is conspiring against you. We have enough evidence to put you away for a long time. If you don't tell us what happened we'll make sure you get the max."

"If you had so much evidence I wouldn't be here. Go ahead, take me trial. I'll be a free man soon enough. And even if you do convict me," he leaned closer to Olivia, "I've got plenty of friends."

"It sounds to me like you just threatened a detective, Jeff. Not a smart move."

"It wasn't a threat. Just letting you know."

"Right." Olivia rolled her eyes.

"You're awfully tough in here, surrounded by bigger detectives to protect you. I bet you cry like a little girl when you're confronted with real danger."

"Oh, I think you know how I act when I'm confronted with real danger. I managed to kill both of your friends, after all."

A hint of surprise and a shadow of darkness seemed to cross Jeff's face, but it was gone so fast Olivia wasn't entirely sure she'd seen it at all. Then he smirked again. "I wouldn't know anything about that."

"Right. You're the innocent victim, I forgot." Olivia said, her voice laced with sarcasm.

"I don't think I like your attitude. I want a lawyer." Olivia clenched her fist in frustration and Jeff smirked again.

Olivia turned to leave the room, but before she opened it she turned back to Jeff. "Just one more thing. No more questions, I just thought you should know: you made a really stupid mistake." Jeff was silent, but Olivia could tell by his glare that she had struck a nerve. "You gave Kyle a muscle relaxant. It would have killed him and you could have strung him up and the ME might never have known it was murder." She leaned in so her face was barely an inch from his and her final word was a hiss: "Amateur."

"Fuck you, bitch, I'm _not_ and amateur!" Jeff was on his feet and he flew at Olivia, his hands around her throat. She kneed him hard in the groin just as Elliot and Cragen burst into the room. "You're gonna die, bitch! I hope your friend rots in the fucking hospital!" Jeff shouted and Cragen dragged him away with the help of another officer.

"You okay?" Elliot asked.

"Fine. I'm gonna go home and take a shower before I head back."

"You're going back to West Virginia? So soon?"

"I need to be with Shawn. You guys can handle Jeff."

Elliot nodded. "We'll take care of it."


	34. Chapter 34

Chapter 34

Olivia went straight to the hospital from the airport. She had considered going to Jane's first, but that could wait. Shawn needed her a lot more than Jane did. The nurse at first wouldn't let Olivia into the ICU to see Shawn, but using her friendship with Jane, her police badge and telling the nurse what had happened, she gave in and let Olivia visit Shawn.

He was hooked up to machines and IVs just as Olivia had predicted. He had a tube down his throat and she could see the respirator pumping air into his lungs. Seeing him just lying there, machines keeping him alive, it made her heart ache even more. She took his hand and laced her fingers with his, willing them to move of their own will. She pulled the chair closer to his bed with her free hand and sat down. For a while she just sat there, staring at him, willing his eyes to open, but when nothing happened she gave up and rested her head on the bed, eventually falling asleep.

"Olivia." She started out of her sleep, thinking it was Shawn she had heard. When she saw Jane standing in the doorway, wearing her nursing clothes, she was bitterly disappointed. Jane must have seen that disappointment because she frowned; not because she was upset, but because she pitied Olivia, and the situation was just too heartbreaking to warrant a smile.

"Sorry I didn't call you." Olivia rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand and stretched her stiff muscles. Her neck hurt from sleeping at such an awkward angle for so long.

"That's alright, this is more important." She checked the machines as she talked to Olivia, scribbling down notes on the chart she was carrying.

"I didn't know you worked the ICU."

"I usually don't. I just transferred out a couple months ago, but there was a big shortage tonight because a bunch of nurses apparently got together outside of work and ended up with food poisoning. I hate working here, but you have to do what you have to do."

"What's so bad about it?"

Jane glanced up from the chart, thinking carefully about how to phrase her answer. "It's…depressing."

"You mean seeing people watch over their loved ones for months only to realize there's nothing left to do but pull the plug?" There were tears in her eyes now.

"It doesn't always end that way, Olivia. I've seen some amazing things working here."

"If miracles were common you wouldn't hate working here."

Jane sighed. "You're right. But he doesn't need you to give up on him. He can still get through this, Olivia, he's not beyond hope yet."

"What are the odds of him actually coming out of this?"

"I can't give you a percentage, Liv. You just have to have faith."

"It's not easy."

"It never is."

"What am I gonna do without him?"

"You're gonna grieve and move on, because that's all you can do."

"I think I want to leave New York." Olivia looked up at Jane, who wasn't sure what to say. "Going back there after spending so much time here, thinking about everything that's happened there, all the painful history – I can't stand it anymore."

"You're going to just leave your job? Your friends? Your daughter?"

"My daughter's practically a stranger to me, and it's not like I can't still have a relationship with her. The only friends I have are my co-workers, and they all carry more painful history with them. As far as finding a job, it wouldn't be that hard to get a new job with the experience I have. Maybe I'll go back to computer crimes, that's better than desk duty."

"Have you thought any more about…what you're going to do?" Olivia knew she was trying to ask about the baby without sounding nosy.

"Yeah, I have." Olivia had made her decision, but she wasn't ready to talk to Jane about it yet. She would obviously keep the baby if Shawn woke up; it was the other possibility Jane really wanted to know about and Olivia just couldn't think about that yet.

Jane nodded. "I have to finish my rounds. I'll come see you before I leave." Olivia just nodded and Jane left.

Eventually Olivia drifted off again, this time curled up in the chair, her head resting on the bed, facing away from Shawn, her right hand resting on his left until she fell asleep and it slipped off. A couple hours later, when she felt someone tap her lightly on the shoulder, she was reluctant to open her eyes. She really was exhausted and she was sure it was just Jane coming to check on her. When she felt her hair being brushed away from her face she lifted her head and just stared.

Shawn couldn't really smile with the tube in his mouth, so he winked instead, a gesture that often accompanied that cocky grin that Olivia loved so much. Tears filled her eyes and she blinked them away, not wanting them to blur her vision. Shawn lifted his hand to smooth Olivia's hair, then he ran his fingers through his own hair. His eyebrows squeezed together slightly; he was normally a very clean, put together kind of guy, so the layer of grease in his hair probably disgusted him. Olivia couldn't help laughing. He raised an eyebrow at her. He pointed to the tube, the respirator, then at her, and finally wagged his finger at her disapprovingly as if to say 'I can't even breathe on my own and you're laughing? Tsk, tsk, tsk.'

"I'll go get the doctor," she said. He gave a sort of awkward nod, not wanting to move the tube too much, and she left, wondering if Jane was still working.


	35. Chapter 35

Chapter 35

Shawn was in the hospital for a few days after waking up so the doctors could keep a close eye on him. His neurological functions were all completely intact and he seemed back to his old self in now time. Olivia hardly dared to believe he was actually alive, afraid that she would wake up and discover it had all been a cruel dream, but each day she became more and more certain it was real.

She didn't tell Shawn about the pregnancy right away because she wanted to give him time to recover, and they had a lot of things to sort out before adding yet another complication. Olivia wanted to stay in West Virginia – there was a beautiful house for sale not far from Jane. Finding work wouldn't be as easy as finding a place to live, but Olivia wasn't really worried about that; she probably wouldn't be able to work until after the baby was born, anyway.

To her surprise, Shawn didn't really care one way or the other about returning to New York. His recent experiences in West Virginia hadn't exactly been great, but he wasn't the kind of person to run away from somewhere just because something bad happened. He had a very successful internet company, so work was no problem for him. He had more than enough money to support both of them, but Olivia wasn't the housewife type, which didn't bother Shawn at all. With those decisions made and the first step towards buying their new house taken, there was still work left to be done in New York, so Olivia headed back, leaving Shawn in Jane's care.

"Are you sure about this, Olivia?" Cragen asked, as she knew he would.

"Yeah. It's about time I got away from this city. I just want to see this case put to rest."

Cragen nodded, sighing deeply. He was sorry to lose one of his best detectives, but it was about time Olivia got herself a life, in his opinion. "How are things going with Jeff, anyway?"

"He wants a deal."

"You're not giving him one, are you?" Olivia wanted the needle for this guy.

"He says he'll confess to Kyle's murder, along with several others, and he'll give you something that belonged to Jack, something you need, in return for the possibility of parole."

"_Parole_?! For this son of a bitch? You've got to be kidding me. What can he possibly have of Jack's that's that important?"

Cragen shrugged. "He won't hand it over until the deal's done. His lawyer says it could be invaluable to you."

"Me?"

"Apparently it could answer a lot of questions. Without the deal he says we'll never find it. He's probably just playing on your curiosity."

"Let me talk to him."

"Keep your cool, Olivia." She nodded.

SVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVU

Jeff was sitting next to his lawyer when Olivia walked in. She enjoyed seeing him in cuffs and an orange jumpsuit, but she hid her joy well. She sat down across from him. "I didn't expect to see you again, Detective. Obviously you want something from me. I've already told the other detectives the conditions of my deal."

"What do you have of Jack's that's so special?"

"Now why would I just come out and tell you?"

"I can't make the deal unless I know what's on the table. Tell is what it is, and if it's really as valuable as you say, you've got your deal."

His lawyer whispered something in his ear, but she just continued to stare at Olivia as if he couldn't hear anything. "Do you lie awake at night wondering 'why', Detective? Why did Jack kidnap me, why did he treat me that way he did, why did I almost let him live?"

"How did you know that?"

Jeff just smiled and continued. "Do you ever wonder if he was really going to kill you? Do you ever wonder what the gunshot was, why I seemed to be dead when in fact I'm quite clearly alive? What would you give to have the answer to those questions?"

"Are you saying you can give them to me?"

"Maybe."

"I need more than that. I can't just sweep the death penalty away without a damn good reason."

"Just admit it, Detective. You want to know badly and no matter what you say, we both know eventually you'll give in. Maybe I'm telling you the truth and maybe this is bullshit, but you'll just have to trust me on this. There are other cases at stake here, victims you don't even know about. Jack isn't the only factor to consider in this deal."

Olivia's jaw clenched and her mind was racing in circles dizzyingly. Finally she lowered her head and sighed. Casey had given the decision to her because she and Cragen both agreed that the unknown victims deserved justice, even if it made them sick. Olivia was the one who might really suffer if they made the wrong decision. She looked back up at Jeff. "Hand it over and you've got your deal."

When the deal was done Jeff's lawyer handed Olivia a voice recorder and three small tapes. "This is what you were talking about?"

"Yup. It was Jack's, he used it a lot to record his thoughts. No idea what's on it, but he was pretty secretive about it."

"You don't even know what's on it?" Olivia was furious.

Jeff shrugged. "Who knows? Maybe it'll have just what you need. Maybe it's a bunch of bullshit that doesn't matter to anyone but Jack. It's yours now either way." She watched as they took Jeff away to prison and then headed back to her apartment, which she hadn't seen in a long time. She watched movies for a while, not really sure why she wasn't listening to the take. Finally she sat down on her couch, slipped one of the tapes (which were numbered) into the recorder, rewound it and pressed play.


	36. Chapter 36

Chapter 1

Chapter 36

"Fucking jackass." The voice was distorted by the small recording device, but Olivia knew it was Jack's. "I give him shelter, teach him how to kill without getting caught, and what does the fucker do? Goes out and offs some mental case in the _dumbest_ way possible. Now what the fuck am I supposed to do? We don't have enough money to bolt, and we sure as hell can't stay around here." A loud sigh that crackled through the small device. "Fucking idiot."

There was a pause and a sort of click that signified a new recording. Jack's voice continued, "Might as well have been a rookie; she opened the door without even asking for a badge. Not that it mattered, I'm not stupid enough to go in unprepared." So even if she had asked for a badge, he still would have ended up in the apartment. Olivia wasn't sure what to think of that. She'd still screwed up, regardless of what would have happened if she'd done it right. "I don't see this thing going down easy. She's a decorated detective, not someone they're gonna give up on easy. No problem, I know how to deal with cops. But still, it's got me on edge. What the fuck are we gonna do with her if it doesn't go down?" Another loud, distorted sigh, another click, another new recording.

"Shit. I knew they'd fake us out. 50 grand and the rest impressive forgeries. Not must use now, with all the technology they have now to check bills. Now I've got her to deal with. Can I risk letting her go? She saw my face, but whatever, one more unit on my tail doesn't matter. Still…Shit, why the hell did I grab her? I can't just let her go, what the hell are Chris and Jeff gonna think? If I lose control of Jeff I'm fucked." Yet another sigh. Apparently Jack turned to his voice recorder in times of confusion. "I'm too old for this shit."

Olivia almost laughed. The tape seemed to having nothing more on it, so she took it out and slipped the second one in. Jack's voice came on yet again. "Got spunk, that's for sure. Took the damn beer cap off with her teeth." He laughed, and Olivia wondered if it was really pride she heard in his voice or if she was hearing things. It was probably exactly what she suspected, but it just seemed so out of place she found it hard to believe. "I wonder if she's any good at poker? What the hell else am I supposed to do here while I wait for the new car? Fuck, I hate this place." There was a pause so long Olivia wondered if the recorder had stopped working and was just about to hit play when Jack's voice came through again.

"Why did I threaten her? Could I really do that to her? Give everyone a go on her, humiliate her like that? It would ruin her life, and what the hell good is that gonna do for me? Maybe it's the only way to let her live. Jeff's leash is already getting to tight for him, if I let her go he's not gonna come back to me. She's an SVU detective, it'll ruin her. Or maybe she'll be able to deal with it better than anyone, who knows? If she's just gonna eat her gun later why let her go and risk pissing Jeff off? I should just off Jeff and get this shit over with. Chris is just a dumb puppy, he'll do whatever the hell I tell him. It has it's appeal…who the fuck am I kidding, I'm not gonna off Jeff. You're losin' it, Jacko. Fucking loony toons." This time Olivia did laugh. She had expected Jack's voice filling her apartment to be chilling, but it filled her with nothing more than curiosity and some amusement. She slipped in the third tape, and suddenly the ice she had expected to fill her came full force. But not at all the way she had expected.

"I can't let her go, not while Jeff's around. He's gonna off her himself if I don't deal with him. Dammit, Jeff! I almost wish she'd choose, tell me she'd rather eat her gun than be raped, this would be over by now." He'd wanted her to make the decision for him? She wasn't sure what to think of that. "That's it, I'm sick of this shit. Jeff's gotta go." A long pause, a click, a new recording.

"Fuck! Jeff's on the loose, what the fuck are we supposed to do now?! If I let her go he'll probably hunt her down. Perfect. Just fucking perfect. She had to have heard the shot. Is she freaking out? If she thinks someone's dead is she gonna try something stupid? This has to end. It has to end. Chris is already on edge, the thought of having a witness, I don't know what he thinks about that. I finally convinced him to take of that fucking mask, so does that mean he trusts me or he's scared of me because I tried to kill Jeff?" Wait, Chris had taken the mask off because Jack told him to? The first ice cube slid into her stomach. "Fuck it, we've got the money, my contact came through, let her find her way back to New York. Her face is all over the news, she'll be back there in no time. Let her go?" A sigh. "Yeah. Yeah, it has to end. Just take some time to get Chris on board. Time for a washroom break, I guess. I'll talk to Chris once she's back downstairs."

Now the chill set in, the numbness. Jack was going to let her go. He had intended to let her go and just before he could tell her, she had killed him. Why had he fought back? Simple: she was trying to kill him and he didn't want to die. She hadn't attacked him in self defence. _He_ had attacked _her_ in self defence. Olivia went to the bathroom and was sick until there was nothing left in her stomach. 'I'm a murderer. They're gonna lock me up for life.'

Olivia went back into the living room and reached for her cell phone with trembling hands.


	37. Chapter 37

Chapter 37

"Liv, you have to stop calling me this late. I'm a married man and a father, you know." Elliot didn't sound angry or annoyed, there was actually a smile in his voice. Kathy was the one bothered by her phone calls, not Elliot.

"We need to talk. Can we get a coffee?"

Elliot sighed. "Eli's sick, Kathy's at her wits end, I can't just leave."

"You know I wouldn't be asking if it wasn't important. Please, El."

"Hang on." There was a long silence on the other end, and then Elliot came back with another loud sigh. "Alright. Meet you at your place in half an hour. You make the coffee."

Olivia was sitting on her apartment steps with a decaf tea in her hands and a coffee sitting next to her when Elliot pulled up. He got out of her car, wearing only a sweater because it was a pleasant night, and sat down next to Olivia. He picked up his coffee and just looked at Olivia. When she was silent, he took her cup from her and took a sip, wondering what flavour she was drinking. She liked more exotic teas and coffees and he could see she wasn't ready to talk. "Regular decaf? At this time of night?" He said, slipping the cup back into her hands.

"I'm off caffeine," she said, staring into her cup.

"Losing too much sleep already?"

"Sure." There was obviously more to it than that, but Elliot didn't press her.

"Look, I really don't have time for you to come to your senses. I came here because I'm your partner and your friend, and you've been to hell and back. But really, you called me here to talk, so let's talk." Wordlessly, Olivia handed Elliot the recorder. She had rewound the third tape and she waited for him to finish listening to it.

When he was done he shrugged. "So?"

"So? What do you mean, 'so'? He was gonna let me go!"

"So?"

"So I killed him for no fucking reason!" Olivia was furious now.

"No, you had plenty of reasons. You thought your life was in danger, or for damn good reason. He didn't say 'I'm letting you go, I'm letting you go!' when you attacked him, he fought back. You had no choice, Olivia."

"He gave me a choice, he offered me freedom!"

"Yeah, he offered to rape you and let you go. It would have destroyed you, Liv, we both know that, you couldn't just give in. Olivia, this doesn't change anything."

"I'm a murderer, Elliot."

"No, you're a victim. I can only explain that to you so many times. You did what you had to do to survive."

"But I would have survived without killing him!"

"It's not about what would have happened, Olivia, it's about you truly believing your life was in danger. You have a right to defend your life, not matter what the person threatening you is really thinking. You attacked, tried to escape, and he fought back. The evidence corroborates that. You were weak, you might have died in that forest and you had reason to believe your life would still be in danger if Chris had survived. Besides, I saw the ME's report. If you hadn't snapped his neck he would have bled out slowly, you did him a favour. Now really, Liv, I know it's not easy to get over something like this, killing a perp is never easy, but you have to stop thinking of yourself as some cold-blooded killer." Elliot normally wouldn't be so blunt, but he was tired, cranky and extremely irritable.

Olivia sighed and stared into her mug. "It's different. Killing someone with your hands instead of your gun."

"Dammit, Liv, men who go around abducting little kids and torturing them, _those_ are cold-blooded killers. I don't know what the hell you want from me but obviously I can't get through to you." Elliot dropped down next to Olivia with a sigh. "I'm no good at this."

"You mean I'm supposed to be the rational one." She cast a sideways look at Elliot, who looked exhausted and a small smile played over her lips.

Elliot nodded and they sat in silence for a while. He should have gone home but he was in no hurry to get back to the chaos and he sensed Olivia needed his company. Finally he said, "How much time are you taking off work?"

Olivia sighed. "I'm leaving SVU, Elliot. I'm leaving New York."

"You're leaving New York? You've lived here your whole life!"

"And now I'm sick of it. Shawn can work anywhere, he makes plenty enough for both of us and with my resume I can get a job there no problem."

"'There being…?"

"West Virginia."

"You're _moving _there? Olivia…"

"I've thought about this a lot, Elliot. It's for the best. There's nothing keeping me here. Sheila's leaving the city after the wedding, she already told me. You're really the only thing left here that I care about."

"I realize a lot has happened to you and Shawn recently, and normally I'd be thrilled for you, but is this really the best time to make such a huge decision with someone? Eventually all these emotions will fade, and you should make sure they're not the only things holding you together."

"We're staying together."

"And that's great. It's still a big commitment, especially for you. Are you ready for this?"

"No. But Shawn and I are having a baby, and after that you really can't make a bigger commitment."

Elliot faltered for a minute. "A…a baby? You're pregnant?"

"Yeah. We didn't plan it, but I'd be an idiot to give it up. And I'd be leaving even if Shawn weren't in the picture, even if I wasn't having a baby. It's for the best. For my sanity."

Elliot sighed and stood up. "This is a lot of information to process on no sleep and I really have nothing to say right now. We'll talk later. Night, Liv."


	38. Chapter 38

Chapter 38

**In all honesty I don't really like the ending I wrote, and I don't have time to break through my writer's block before I leave the country. I have two more stories that I need to get finished and posted before I leave, so I'm gonna be leaving this story for a while. If there are any ambitious writers out there who want to finish it themselves, by all means, go ahead. Hopefully when I get back home I'll write a suitable ending. Sorry for the disappointment. I'll only be gone for the summer :P**


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